There are only 5 days left of this story, only 5 days. I can feel a change inside me, it is a low hum, a whisper, but something is changing. I feel like I am in a state of soul-shock, like all my darkness, all my past regrets, all of me is rushing to the surface to be dealt with, to be faced...it may not last forever...tomorrow I may feel different, but today I feel like I am being moulded by my own tears, like I am preparing myself to rewrite my story.
I don't want to look to others to define me anymore, because I have been guilty of this my whole life. "Am I worthy? Am I Good enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough?" Frankly it is exhausting and I am tired, because if you base your identity on the opinion of others you will never be good enough, there will always be someone new to please, someone new to impress, and it leaves you empty. It is a race you cannot win.
I look for patterns. It is something that I have always done. Patterns in human behaviour, patterns in success, patterns in relationships. I look for links on how everything is connected, mostly to find shortcuts and loopholes but also to make sense of the world. My brain is constantly busy trying to connect the dots, and it does this because I am a control freak...yes If I can figure out the order of things I can control it...or that is what I would like to believe. The stirring inside tells me that the very things I try to control, are the things I have no control over. This causes me great anxiety, because there has to be an explanation for things, there has to be a formula, there has to be some way to master everything. "Will you like me if I am beautiful? Will you like me if I am fit? Will you like me if I am rich? Will you like me if I win everything?" Trust me, I have learned this the hard way...there are no patterns to the important things in life. Love comes and goes as it pleases, it is trickster that has no regard for logic, and you cannot tame it, or own it by following a set of rules. It does what it likes and we are at its mercy. Health can be on your side one day, and abandon you the next even if you did everything it asked you to. Life is not a daily guarantee, it is fragile and can disappear in a blink of an eye. We only think we have control.
I don't care if you like me anymore...it will take me a lifetime to please everyone, and that just seems like a lifetime wasted. I don't want to control everything anymore it is futile. I am going to surrender to my own rhythm. I am just going to flow and see where I end up.
I forgive myself and I am letting go.
In reality there were only four days left when I wrote this...I get confused sometimes
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