This post is about the different people we are during the course of a day. When I first thought about writing about this theme I was in a certain mood, now that I actually am writing about it I am in another, and up and down and round and round we go. Now just to be clear, I do not mean that one moment I am Harry the construction worker from Brooklyn , then all of a sudden I am Louise the nymphomaniac alcoholic just trying to get a fix. That would be rather interesting but I simply want to discuss how our moods affect the way we interact with the world, how our moods can alter our perception and how hard it can be to control the bastards.
I have identified five types in myself, there may be more, there may be less, but it is fun to analyse yourself in this manner and I suggest you do the same. I am trying to figure out what triggers them into existence, because if I can figure that out I can check myself...before I wreck myself. I apologise for that, but I just had to.
1. The fatalistic cynic - Yes somewhere inside me there is Marvin the android from "Hitch Hikers guide to the Galaxy". That part of me that just wants to go "Oh what is the point...sigh?" This part of me is extremely analytical. It wants to understand everyone and everything. I think this part also has a wicked sense of humour, because it mostly thinks everything is rather pointless and stupid. It is constantly looking for patterns, it wants answers immediately. It only accepts cold hard evidence, and despises human emotion, which is rather ironic because I think it is rather depressed, because it doesn't always get answers and most things in life don't really have patterns. This part is triggered whenever I feel misunderstood, bored with conversations and a little insecure.
2. The Spiritual Optimist - This part is very much in tune with herself and everyone else. She is very tranquil, and she loves the world and everything in it. She is artistic and she loves to create. She loves telling stories, and is filled with joy. She wants to serve, she want to help and heal, and love. She is hopeful and has faith that everything will work out as it should. She believes that life does in fact have meaning. She is the direct opposite of the fatalistic cynic, who really couldn't give a shit. She appears when she is around people she loves, and genuinely cares about. She appears when she feels appreciated, but if the people she loves hurt her or make her feel slightly judged she can quickly transform into either the fatalistic cynic or melodramatic psycho bitch.
3. Melodramatic Psycho bitch. - I am not proud of this part, in fact I don't like her at all. She is my misguided self-protection shield, and damn can she put up a fight. She doesn't want to take any prisoners, and she will cut you...emotionally cut you. She wants to push people away so she can say "See I told you they never cared...you are better of without them....screw them all....hurt them before they can hurt you." She is paranoid, anxious and dangerous, she hates people, because she doesn't trust people and she thinks everyone and everything is out to get her, to screw her over. The only good thing I can say about her, is that she is highly alert, but she uses her alertness to confirm her suspicions and paranoia and the made up scenarios in her head. Only people who get too close, get to see melodramatic psycho bitch, because they scare the hell out of her, they make her feel vulnerable, and she hates feeling vulnerable so she wants them to go away, and this always triggers type 4...
4. The needy little princess - She feels guilty for everything melodramatic psycho bitch does, and she immediately wants to fix whatever damage has been caused. She is all "I am sorry...forgive me...forgive me...please love me...why wont you love me." She believes she is a victim, and she wants to be saved from the tower she finds herself in. She is the princess and Melodramatic Psycho bitch is the dragon that needs to be appeased or slayed of whatever. This is often confusing for the victims of melodramatic psycho bitch because they don't understand how a person can go from being so defensive one second to incredibly needy the next. The dualistic nature of these two types sometimes make me look batshit crazy I think, but they both have a tendency to disappear when I feel safe and in control of my life.
5. The Mindful Controller - This is the most level-headed and clear-thinking type. I don't think it is a type on it's own really but what happens when the other 4 are balanced, when there is equilibrium. She is spiritual without being ridiculously optimistic, she is sceptical but listens with discernment. She is hopeful, but knows she has to work for what she wants. She doesn't mind feeling vulnerable but she isn't a victim. She appears when I calm the hell down, and I don't react to every emotion. She is in control, but knows not everything can be controlled and sometimes you just have to wait and see.
That was fun! I rather enjoyed dissecting myself.
For those of you who have been cut by Melodramatic Psycho bitch, we apologise. She has been quarantined, and we have had a stern chat with her. She now paints and sews this seems to calm her down.
So in a day I can be anyone of the five. I hope you meet the mindful controller, and may you never cross paths with the Melodramatic Psycho Bitch.
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