DAY 40: The End of the Road.

40 Days done!!! I wish I had something profound to say, something that would touch your hearts and inspire you, but unfortunately I don't. I feel much healthier, I lost weight and I think I am almost getting the hang of the carousel spin of death, but I still don't have all the answers. What I have gained however is a strange calm, telling me to not  always want immediate results, I need to give life time to reveal itself. When the time is right the answers will come.

Now it is time for reflection. What happened to the little-mullet haired girl? Well the short answer...she never left, she just grew up. Nothing stays the same and everything has its season. The adult version of me felt guilty all the time, I felt like I had somehow let her down. She had so many dreams, she wanted to conquer the world, she had so much ambition, it was exhausting to live up to all her expectations. She wanted to show the world that even if the odds were against you, even if you were a little mullet-haired girl you could change your stars, you could achieve anything. She wanted to prove to the world just how great she was...but this is where me and the little-mullet haired girl now have to part ways, I have been conflicted about all the things I haven't achieved for a very long time, but you know what, I do not want to show the world how great I am anymore, I don't want to change my stars, I want to embrace them and see what they have to offer, because I have been running from myself for along time, running towards some ideal version of myself where I will be happy. I was torn between all the versions of myself, that which I am, that which I thought I should be, and that which I want to be.  Happiness is not a destination, it is not something you have to achieve, it is you, it is your story, every bit of it, even though it never quite turns out the way we expect. Little mullet-haired girl wanted all the fame and fortune the world had to offer...me I just want a simple life. This does not mean that I will stop believing that I can in fact change my stars...if I want to I could. We all can. But I do not have to do anything to define myself anymore, no-one has to. The fact that we are here is quite enough. It was fun looking for you little-mullet haired girl, I will always respect your balls...always. Thank you for your sense of humour, and that no-one scares you, I will hold on to that, but it is time for us to make peace.

"And I guess what I have to say is really simple. Little Mullet haired girl, with all of my heart and with everything that I am, my love, goodbye."

I highly recommend that you also try doing something like this. Dedicate some time to yourself, give up you vices, ask the questions that have been burning a hole in you. Learn to forgive yourself, learn to surrender. Life is devastating, it is the toughest thing we are ever going to do, but it is also pretty grand.

I will not smoke again, I consider that habit kicked. I am done with sugar, quitting that has definitely made the greatest difference to my general well-being. Coffee and wine on the other hand will be making a comeback but in moderation, our relationship will never be the same again.

Now I said right in the beginning that I going to end all of this with a photo shoot...and that is indeed what I am going to do....Oh it is going to be fun. I will post the photos as soon as they are ready.

I don't have all the answers. I don't think I am supposed to have them yet. All in good time, and when I am ready.

All the best and take care of yourself.