Lets give a shout out to Fear, that crippling, defeating, foe that is always waiting in the wings of the theater production we call our lives. Fear is the only real enemy, but it has so many faces that we don't always realize when we are in its presence. It holds us back by pretending to be common sense, it prevents us from taking chances when it wears its false mask of reason, it kills you while it lovingly whispers that it only wants to protect you.
So I am now in the home stretch of the journey, I have reached the countdown mark...10..9..8..7..6...you get the point, and do you know what the result is...tears...every emotion that I didn't want to face has flooded to the surface and I cannot stop crying...ok that is not completely true...i still function in public, I cry when no one is looking, but I am sure everyone has their suspicions.
We fear to face ourselves, and why wouldn't we? It is a painful process where you have to look yourself in the eye and admit where you screwed up, where you have to acknowledge your flaws, and deal with the fact that perhaps you are not the worlds most special unique snowflake (Just kidding I realised that a long time ago, but I guess you always hope that you are.) But there is more to the story, the hardest part of facing who you are, is to be patient and kind to yourself, to stop judging yourself so harshly, and to love yourself a little. That shit makes you cry. I have never believed this little voice, but now its whispers are becoming louder and louder and it is telling me that maybe I am good a girl after all, and that I should not be so hard on myself. Now I am thinking about Pinocchio when the fairy granted his wish. "I am a real boy". I guess I just want to be real girl...whatever that means.
So what does all this have to do with fear? The answer is Everything.
It is scary to let go of everything you know, all the illusions you have created around yourself, to hide yourself, not just from the world but from you. It is terrifying to face the unknown to reinvent yourself, to find your path. It is much easier to just hang around the parameters of your comfort zone, and to ignore the stirs of change that you can feel happening inside you. When life beckons to you, obey...but I don't want to it is scary. Fear is only an enemy if we allow it to defeat us. My mind is unraveling.
I don't have all the answers, I just have a lot of questions, and the more I look for answers, the more questions I gather. I don't know how to defeat my fears, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of failure, the fear of abandonment, the fear of my own mortality and limitations, and the worst one of all the fear of letting go. Maybe more answers will come eventually, but now I am just stuck with all these emotions and I have to confess that no matter how much of a fight I put up, I am just a scared little girl. Maybe by acknowledging her I can find the warrior within, and then finally the curtain can come down on the theater production dominated by Fear.
"Fear is an emotional response induced by a perceived threat, which causes a change in brain and organ function, as well as in behavior. Fear can lead us to hide, to run away, or to freeze in our shoes. Fear may arise from a confrontation or from avoiding a threat, or it may come in the form of a discovery." - The Internet
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