It was apparently Einstein who first said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. For the outcome to change so does the variables involved in said outcome, and in my case the variable is me.
I have a habit of forcing things, a desire to control the outcome, to bend it to my will. I am struggling to learn the lesson that something's, and I have figured out it is mostly the important things, take time. It has its own rhythm, a beat that I need to respect, I need to breathe, hope, let go of my desire to control and see what happens...it drives me mad, because I seem to have lost my faith in hope.
Of all the monsters that were released from Pandora's Box, I think hope was the worst. Hope is passive you have no control over it and it quietly, slowly destroys you. You just have to sit back and hope it doesn't ruin you...and again it has the upper hand. I am too sceptical to fully claim that faith is my strong point, I am too analytical to fully trust my emotions and my gut. I question everything even my mind that tells me to question everything. I want the truth to be the truth because it is true, not simply because I want it to be. My mind is like a computer that only respects evidence, my heart is too romantic for its own good, it is hopes perpetual victim, and my soul seems to be one hell of a rebel. I am dualistic by nature, I am pulled in all directions, I am torn by all the parts of me and it leaves me lost. I want to believe things will work out the way they are meant to be, but I don't know if I believe if there is a way that things should be or if we are the architects of everything...I just don't know.
If I let things go, wont I just lose it? I am terrified it wont return...I realise I have just uncovered something about myself. Most of my insecurities are born out of fear. Fear is a destructive force, it makes us want to posses things because we can't stand the idea of losing it. Maybe love is the act of releasing something, maybe love is working on yourself and realising you don't need anyone or anything to be complete, because you already are, we just forgot.
There is a season for everything...I need to respect that. It seems my life is forcing me to surrender what little control I think I have, and I am forced to relinquish my power over the things/people I care about most in this world, all at once, at the same time. This cannot be a coincidence, maybe my subconscious is orchestrating it, but it sure is orchestrating it in such a manner to make it seem that there is indeed meaning to life and that the only thing left for me to do is ultimately to hope that things will work out like they should.
Sometimes we need to take a short break in order to heal, so that everyone involved can heal. It sucks and I hate every minute, but it is the only way I can finally learn something very important once and for all. I believe most of us have a core wound, the well from which all our sadness originates. In my case it is a sense of feeling unworthy...I am not alone in this, I think a lot of people struggle with the same issue. This wound is what causes such turmoil in my life. I can't let things go because I don't believe I am worthy of its return...I need to stop this way of thinking.
I have done everything that was in my power to do, and it seems the time has come for me to hope, heal, wait and see. I am scared, deathly scared, but I am going to embrace all of it. I hope that the things that are meant to be will be, and I hope those who are destined to be on this journey with me will do so, I hope that there is indeed a destiny, and I hope that the things that need to return will in time, and it will be stronger and better than before, forever changed, moulded and blessed by the sacrifice of separation, and if not I hope that I will be strong enough to rebuild myself, to take the fragments of my life and turn it into a beautiful mosaic.
It is time for this production to take a break. The season has ended, but hopefully it will return soon and it will be epic, hopefully it will be glorious and so much better than the first season. Hopefully it won't get cancelled, but only time will tell.
O well what ever happens at least I am not doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for different results.
Good luck to us all
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