A wise old man once told me that in order for me to thrive I need to find my happy place...Ok maybe he wasn't that old and I am not really sure if he is always that wise, but he did have a point. At first I was a little shocked that I was so transparent, was it that obvious that my life was out of balance? Did I do such a crappy job of hiding the fact that I am...well...not all that happy all the time?
His words left me with a burning question; how exactly does one find ones happy place? I am not talking about the Happy Gilmore-little tricycle riding cowboy-girl in suspenders-Happy Place, I am referring to that place, space or state of mind where you are generally at peace. How do you get there?
There are so many opinions, schools of thought, and dogmas that claim to have the answer to being saved, being whole, being enlightened that is easy to get lost somewhere in between. Meditate, pray, exercise, forgive, forget, let go, be thankful, serve...all valuable advice...all kind of hard to practice everyday. No matter what you do, you can't get away from yourself "wherever you go, there you are" So in a painful attempt at self exploration I am going to address something that causes me a lot of inner turmoil, I call it the Island Hypothesis! Perhaps identifying and dealing with this will get me closer to equilibrium, but I want to add that I am not entirely convinced that humans are supposed to be all tranquil every minute of their existence...I think we get creative when we suffer a little, it helps to stimulate empathy for others, and I believe it builds character. That being said there is no harm in getting rid of things that don't serve you if it is in your power to do so.
I am not an island...not even close. I need people around me, I need their energy and I need their acceptance. This is my prison. To be free you must not give a damn about what others think off you, and I do not know how to master this, because I like people, I like most people and if I like you I do give a damn about what you think...It amazes me how some people can take pride in being pricks really. They believe it is a sign of strength to ignore people who have somehow wronged them, I don't think it is a sign of strength at all, I think it is a sign of being a coward. If you feel wronged by some-one or you have somehow wronged some-one else, you better fix it or resolve it as best you can, as soon as you can, because honestly we don't know how much time we have left, why do we forget that so easily?
Now you can probably imagine how much trouble this little opinion of mine gets me into. I want to resolve things immediately, right there on the spot and others are not always ready for this and then I end up making things worse. They don't realise my internal dialogue is pretty much saying: "We need to fix this immediately, we might die and I don't want my soul tainted with this shit...don't you know unfinished business is how ghosts get made....have you never watched the Ghost Whisperer?" Ok I don't really believe in ghosts but I was in the mood to over exaggerate somewhat. I am painfully aware of my own mortality and I am also painfully aware of the mortality of others, even if I make it, you might not...lets fix things. It is this awareness that drives me, I think this keeps me humble in a way but it also makes me come across quite desperate sometimes, because I always have this urgency about me like time is running out. So does my happy place include people or am I better off without them? They make me happy and sad in equal measure and I do not know how to be an island...my happy place is not an island, at least I have figured out this much.
So wise old man finding my happy place seems to be a lot trickier than I imagined, but maybe this journey, and process will help me find it, or at least get me a little closer. I sure hope so...I will keep you posted.
I definitely have to stop thinking everyone is going to die all the time...no wonder I am so anxious. I need to learn how to relax...well at least this post taught me something...Now if I can only figure out how to relax...
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