I am sick of myself, but in a good way...nothing to be worried about mom. I am sick of being this whiny, woe-ways-me, mopey, moody, middle-aged teenager. I harp on a lot about emotions, and how I am feeling and stuff, but today I think I am acting a little like a brat. I think we should all beware the inner brat. It is quick to raise its pimply head when it feels it is not getting its way, and I think I sometimes run the danger of becoming too self-involved. This brat likes to throw its toys out of the cot and often leaves destruction behind. It stomps its feet, cries and yells "Pay attention to me" over and over again until you just want to punch it in the face. This brat needs a good talking to.
This has been a very public display of everyday emotions and I knew it was risky to do this when I first started, but I also knew I had to do it. Not only would it give me a reason to stick to my guns, but it would also be a way for me to monitor my progress. I went back and re-read my posts so far to see if I can pick up common threads, and whether I can really see a change in myself, but the only thing I concluded was that something is missing from the pages...I gave up a lot of things but now I have to start giving something back.
My body is doing OK, I realised I really want to drink and smoke when I become overly-emotional...I don't, but I really want to. My mind is clearer, but with this new found clarity all the emotions that I didn't want to face, all the feelings I drank, ate and smoked away are rushing out of me, tearing its way through me, leaving me in a puddle of self-pity, restlessness, and anxiety. This has got to stop, because the brat in me is taking it out on everyone around me. Trying to push everyone away so I can fulfil my own negative prophecies: "See I knew you never really cared" To all of you who are still my friends after all of this Thank you for your patience, I salute you.
I am going to try and stop my self destructive behaviour by shifting the focus from myself onto others. It may not be much but I will try to do something nice for some-one everyday. It can be for some-one I know or for a stranger, I will also try to give a compliment to every one that crosses my path, but I have to be sincere. I have to say yes to everyone who asks me for help, but I also have to actively look for those who do. Everyday I will also send a heartfelt message to old friends, new friends, people who I haven't spoken to for a while, and people who I speak to everyday. It think 5 people a day will do. But here is the kicker...I must do all this without expecting anything in return. I need to learn some humility.
I also think it is time that I really start being honest with myself about what I really want and who I really want to be...because one thread that I did pick up from all of this is that I am really trying hard to defeat my ego. It has come to my attention that the reason the ego acts up in the first place is because...wait for it...you are not really happy with yourself, your situation or your story at the moment. And how easy it is to get sucked up into a life that is not really yours. The ego may be misguided and a pain in the ass, but in a weird way it is trying to tell you something. OK the only thing I have figured out so far, is that I really crave a simple, creative life...that's it, that's all I know. Maybe by focussing my attention on helping others the image will become clearer. I hope so, who knows, life is sometimes funny like that.
I will keep you informed how all of this works out and if it even makes a difference.
“We cannot solve a problem with the same level of consciousness that created it."
-Albert Einstein-
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