And here it is....The Photoshoot.

Thanks to everyone who read the posts. It was fun.

All the best to all of you.

DAY 40: The End of the Road.

40 Days done!!! I wish I had something profound to say, something that would touch your hearts and inspire you, but unfortunately I don't. I feel much healthier, I lost weight and I think I am almost getting the hang of the carousel spin of death, but I still don't have all the answers. What I have gained however is a strange calm, telling me to not  always want immediate results, I need to give life time to reveal itself. When the time is right the answers will come.

Now it is time for reflection. What happened to the little-mullet haired girl? Well the short answer...she never left, she just grew up. Nothing stays the same and everything has its season. The adult version of me felt guilty all the time, I felt like I had somehow let her down. She had so many dreams, she wanted to conquer the world, she had so much ambition, it was exhausting to live up to all her expectations. She wanted to show the world that even if the odds were against you, even if you were a little mullet-haired girl you could change your stars, you could achieve anything. She wanted to prove to the world just how great she was...but this is where me and the little-mullet haired girl now have to part ways, I have been conflicted about all the things I haven't achieved for a very long time, but you know what, I do not want to show the world how great I am anymore, I don't want to change my stars, I want to embrace them and see what they have to offer, because I have been running from myself for along time, running towards some ideal version of myself where I will be happy. I was torn between all the versions of myself, that which I am, that which I thought I should be, and that which I want to be.  Happiness is not a destination, it is not something you have to achieve, it is you, it is your story, every bit of it, even though it never quite turns out the way we expect. Little mullet-haired girl wanted all the fame and fortune the world had to offer...me I just want a simple life. This does not mean that I will stop believing that I can in fact change my stars...if I want to I could. We all can. But I do not have to do anything to define myself anymore, no-one has to. The fact that we are here is quite enough. It was fun looking for you little-mullet haired girl, I will always respect your balls...always. Thank you for your sense of humour, and that no-one scares you, I will hold on to that, but it is time for us to make peace.

"And I guess what I have to say is really simple. Little Mullet haired girl, with all of my heart and with everything that I am, my love, goodbye."

I highly recommend that you also try doing something like this. Dedicate some time to yourself, give up you vices, ask the questions that have been burning a hole in you. Learn to forgive yourself, learn to surrender. Life is devastating, it is the toughest thing we are ever going to do, but it is also pretty grand.

I will not smoke again, I consider that habit kicked. I am done with sugar, quitting that has definitely made the greatest difference to my general well-being. Coffee and wine on the other hand will be making a comeback but in moderation, our relationship will never be the same again.

Now I said right in the beginning that I going to end all of this with a photo shoot...and that is indeed what I am going to do....Oh it is going to be fun. I will post the photos as soon as they are ready.

I don't have all the answers. I don't think I am supposed to have them yet. All in good time, and when I am ready.

All the best and take care of yourself.

DAY39: All the little labels

No one makes it through life without being labelled, without being categorized by others. They confine you to the parameters of their own understanding, and they make it very hard for you to escape. If you have ever been labelled, and like I said we all have been, you know that labels have a tendency to stick. Now if you are like me, you too find this infuriating, because a label can never tell you the whole story.

None of us are just one thing. We should stop reducing each other!

I have been labelled as weird, artsy, over-dramatic, sensitive, intense and my personal favourite different...I don't really understand that one, because different to what? Even positive labels can be a trap...smart, funny, interesting, strong, independent...because you are expected to be that all the time...How exhausting.

Human beings are complex creatures, often predictable, but complex nonetheless. We have the power to surprise, the power to change and the power to be what ever the hell we want. I am not entirely certain who I am, who are you to tell me? The world would be a better place if people spent more time trying to figure themselves out, rather than deciding what others are or are not. Find yourself first, leave others alone.

The reason why we label people is Fear...yes it is making an appearance again. If I label you, define you, put you in a box, I remove your mystery and you are no longer a threat, and the balance to my little delusional world has been restored once again.

All labels are relative, lets examine a few shall we...

Weird: All this means is that you think someone is not like you and your friends. This also means that you think you are the poster child for normal. First of all, how boring and secondly you are not as normal as you think. Someone, somewhere probably thinks you are the weird one.

Over-dramatic: What is the perfect level of dramatic, and if there is a level, it would mean that certain people are under-dramatic, that sounds much worse.

Sensitive: Again, compared to what or who? I would much rather be sensitive than insensitive, which people who label others as sensitive often are.

We can deconstruct labels all day, but I think I have made my point. It all boils down to perception, you are measuring people against yourself, and by doing this you are saying you are the universal unit of measurement of human experience, you are not, none of us are. Just because you have an opinion about someone does not make it the truth, so stop spreading it like it is the gospel. Stop doing that.

Everyone of us is made up of a million different things. You might be something today, learn a few lessons while you are there, and tomorrow you might be something else. We should allow others the space they need to grow. Allow people the time to define themselves, lets not be so arrogant as to think we have the right to do it for them.

"Labels belong on jars not on people" Thank you Anonymous, you strike again. It is a little lame...ok it is a lot lame, but there you have it. Anonymous has spoken.

DAY 38: The Long dark tea time of the Soul

I am a big fan of Douglas Adams. He had the wonderful ability to poke fun at everything held precious in one eloquent sentence. I have been thinking about him a lot during this story/journey/random 40 days I have decided to give up most of my vices. "The Long dark tea time of the Soul" keeps entering my mind. I am not sure why, but every morning I wake up there it is, like a whisper coming from within "The long dark tea time of the soul." I think it is a beautiful phrase, it is so simple yet it is filled with meaning. I read the book a few years ago, so I can't remember all the details, I just remember Dirk Gently and his slightly dark, slightly disillusioned take on life, but that is neither here nor there. 

I have mentioned before that I like looking for patterns, for meaning and links between things, like life is one big jigsaw puzzle waiting to be put together. I do realise that when you look for patterns you are bound to find them, that is the way the human mind works we look for meaning in things that often doesn't have meaning, like when you look at a cloud and you see a duck or whatever you were in the mood to see. Pick an object, any object, focus on it, and look for it the entire day. I can almost guarantee that you will start seeing the object everywhere, and if you want to you could even convince yourself it is a sign of some sorts, and if someone disagrees with you about the validity of the signs you can just ignore them knowing that they are simply not as sensitive as you. We see things because we look for it, but I do not think this should just be dismissed. Yes our brains work a certain way, and the patterns and signs that we see can be explained, but what fascinates me is the initial impulse, that little voice, that something that awoke the desire in you to look for these things in the first place. 

"The long dark tea time of the Soul" lead me to the "The dark Night of the Soul" a phrase that has been around for hundreds of years, but it is a recent discovery for me. Originally it was  a poem written by a 16th century Spanish poet known as Saint John of the Cross, but as time went by it was loaded with meaning and significance, a simple search will reveal this to you. The poem describes the journey of the soul from flesh to union with God, and it is considered the dark night because the destination is unknown. 

It even has a definition: 

dark night of the soul

noun

1. a period of spiritual desolation suffered by a mystic in which all sense of consolation is removed.

There is so much information about this topic, how to make it through it, and what to learn from it, and it is fascinating. What fascinates me is the chain that links so many people over such a long period of time. People who have never heard of each other, people not connected in anyway all looking for meaning in the darkness. All knowing that if you focus on the light you can make it through anything, but you are going to be changed by the time you make it to the other side. This common quest pursued by so many,  lets it appear that perhaps life really does have meaning, even if it only lies hidden in our search for it.

So I enjoy looking for patterns, and my favourite pattern is the one that indicates we are all connected, and this pattern seems to be everywhere...or maybe that is just what I want to see. 

DAY 37: Forgiveness



The worst thing we can do to someone is to put them on a pedestal, because it leaves them with only a small margin to be human. No one can live up to unrealistic expectations, no one is fully in control of their lives, their emotions, their world all the time, inevitably ashes...ashes we all fall down.
Picking yourself up is excruciating enough, without having to face the judgement of those whose illusions you didn't live up to. Don't be too harsh on people who are in the process of fixing themselves. Know that they will backslide from time to time, because that is just how humans roll. If you can see someone is trying cut them some slack.

We should aim to be kinder to each other, not just your nearest and dearest...everyone. Kindness should become a habit. It should be our default setting. Even if someone angers you, or pushes all your buttons try to respond with kindness and see how the situation resolves itself. We are all such wonderfully delicate, insecure seedlings, and kindness is the fertile soil in which we can grow. I believe everyone has the potential for greatness, they just have to choose it and then they have to believe it, and we can help them with this belief by being kind.

So why did I call this post forgiveness if I seem to be going on about so many random things? It is simple, I believe the root of kindness is forgiveness. If you forgive someone not only for their past discretions, if you accept them for who they are and not some version of them you have created, and you forgive them in advance for things they are yet to do to you...you set them free, and that dear peeps is a gift. Forgiveness does not mean you have to condone their behaviour. If their trespasses against you were severe it does not mean you have to pretend like it never happened or that everything is now magically perfect or resolved. It simply means you let go...you let go of your unrealistic expectations, you let go of the negativity the situation awoke in you, and you reassess the situation.

To be kind you also have to forgive yourself. The people who provoke the most emotion in us, are often the people who remind us of something about ourselves we don't really like, or secretly fear, and we tend to react to them, we want to get rid of them because we don't always want to be faced with ourselves. But if you are kind to yourself, you embrace your flaws, you learn to love what you are, you are patient with yourself and you forgive yourself for everything that you are, and especially that which you are not, the kindness will trickle down from you to others. People will start to reflect this kindness back to you...and we all can live happily ever after.

Set someone free today...forgive.

Only 3 days to go...Whooohooo.

DAY 36: Surrender

There are only 5 days left of this story, only 5 days. I can feel a change inside me, it is a low hum, a whisper, but something is changing. I feel like I am in a state of soul-shock, like all my darkness, all my past regrets, all of me is rushing to the surface to be dealt with, to be faced...it may not last forever...tomorrow I may feel different, but today I feel like I am being moulded by my own tears, like I am preparing myself to rewrite my story.

I don't want to look to others to define me anymore, because I have been guilty of this my whole life. "Am I worthy? Am I Good enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough?" Frankly it is exhausting and I am tired, because if you base your identity on the opinion of others you will never be good enough, there will always be someone new to please, someone new to impress, and it leaves you empty. It is a race you cannot win.

I look for patterns. It is something that I have always done. Patterns in human behaviour, patterns in success, patterns in relationships. I look for links on how everything is connected, mostly to find shortcuts and loopholes but also to make sense of the world. My brain is constantly busy trying to connect the dots, and it does this because I am a control freak...yes If I can figure out the order of things I can control it...or that is what I would like to believe. The stirring inside tells me that the very things I try to control, are the things I have no control over. This causes me great anxiety, because there has to be an explanation for things, there has to be a formula, there has to be some way to master everything. "Will you like me if I am beautiful? Will you like me if I am fit? Will you like me if I am rich? Will you like me if I win everything?" Trust me, I have learned this the hard way...there are no patterns to the important things in life. Love comes and goes as it pleases, it is trickster that has no regard for logic, and you cannot tame it, or own it by following a set of rules. It does what it likes and we are at its mercy. Health can be on your side one day, and abandon you the next even if you did everything it asked you to. Life is not a daily guarantee, it is fragile and can disappear in a blink of an eye. We only think we have control.

I don't care if you like me anymore...it will take me a lifetime to please everyone, and that just seems like a lifetime wasted.  I don't want to control everything anymore it is futile. I am going to surrender to my own rhythm. I am just going to flow and see where I end up.
I forgive myself and I am letting go.

DAY 35: Cause and effect

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction -Newton's 3rd law of motion.

 

 

We bounce off each other, we bump into each other, we change each others trajectories, no one is getting out of here untouched. Everything we do or say has consequences whether we want to admit it or not, so you should at least try to be kind as often as you can.

 

There is something that has always fascinated me when it comes to human behaviour, and that is how we often struggle to communicate, how we don't always get our points across and how easily conflict can raise its quarrelsome head. Throw emotion in the mix and you are looking for trouble. We become aggressive when we feel misunderstood, but we are not always willing to understand. We want to be heard but we are not always willing to listen. Instead of trying to find the person behind the words, we look for ourselves in them and then instead of calmly responding we react. I think the most important part of any conversation is to listen, remove yourself completely, pretend like you are not really there and the person speaking is a mystery waiting to be solved, and all the clues will be coming out of their mouths, so you better pay attention. The more you open your mouth, the more you might miss something. Shhhh! Listen, just really try and listen, try to hear what is being said and not what you think you are hearing. You may be pleasantly surprised at the stories people are hiding.

 

Our words are more powerful than we think. It can cause wars, and it can end it. It can celebrate love and it can be the tool of hate. It can heal, but it can also destroy. Off all the things that is in our control our words have the most power, so please be careful what you say to others. We may try our best to act tough but we are all quite fragile, we bruise easily, and sometimes because we are so bruised we don't want to listen anymore because we think it is our turn to be heard and before you know it you have reached the point of no return, a complete and utter breakdown of communication, the graveyard of understanding.

 

So what happens when an unstoppable force and an immovable object meet? The only way to get to a conclusion is if one was to compromise, but that by default would go against its very nature. Their unity would reduce one, or the other to less than it was before.  What made them great in the first place was the fact that one was an unstoppable force and the other an immovable object and the only answer to this conundrum, is that perhaps they shouldn't meet.

 

Everything we do or say has an influence...never forget that.

 

 

 

 



DAY34: Fantasy

 

I have always been a BIG fan of fantasy. Damsels in distress, warriors, wizards, princes, all of it...the less it had to do with the real world the better. I would spend hours just creating these stories in my head, and even more hours reading or watching fantastical stories created by someone else. I would be sucked up into those worlds, I would become part of it, I would be changed by it. Fantasy can teach you about honour (think about the noble warriors that never give up, no matter what the odds until order has been restored) adventure (think of all the quests and fantastical creatures) and it teaches that love is something that is worth fighting for and that you never give up on it. There is only one problem with fantasy...it ruins Real Life.

 

I whish I could figure out how many people and situations in my life are simply fantasy. Are the villains real, are the allies really what they appear to be, and oh the princess...where does reality begin and where does my fantasy end. Imagination is a wonderful thing, but what happens when imagination creates your reality....what happens when even you are a figment of your own imagination? You can pretend  things for a little while, but eventually the veil is lifted and you are left cold and bare in a world that almost seems foreign to you and you are left with the question "Now what?"

 

It is tough to give up on the realities you have created, because it means you have to step out of your head and become a hero in the real world...and this is much harder, the rewards are not that great and everyone forgets it so much sooner.

 

Good luck to all of us who dwell in many realms simultaneously.

DAY 33: Thanx

Today I am a blank slate. No emotions, I feel nothing. Nothing I tell you...NOTHING. It is calm and extremely boring. I am sure something will come up later, but now I am just chilling in the quiet.

Now is as good a time as any to be grateful. We spend so much time running around, trying to be all spectacular and shiny, trying to prove to ourselves we're worthy that we often lose sight of how much we indeed have to be grateful for....Awww isn't that nice...yeah I am not really feeling it....everything I am saying just sounds kind of lame to me right now. I feel like a sarcastic teenager that just wants to roll her eyes at everything, but I am going to commit. I am going list a few things that I am grateful for, maybe it warms my heart a little.

Off topic: I was playing around on the google box, searching things like "How do I find my life purpose" and "Finding your life purpose quiz"...you know normal things we all do on a Friday. There were a few quizzes but their answers were not that helpful..."You are a communicator"....yeah ok now what? There was one site however that said it could help you find you purpose in 20 min...it is quite simple, you just take out a piece of paper and write down a few scenarios about what  you desire from life, and what you want to be. The one that makes you cry is the one meant for you. I like the idea, I might give it a go later. I hope I don't have to write for days to find something that moves me to tears though...that would suck.

So what am I grateful for...let's see.

I am grateful for Youtube videos of animals being either amazing or extremely silly. It is a guilty pleasure but is sure makes me happy.

I am grateful that I grew up in a family that taught me not to take things too seriously, and that laughing at things really does make it better. The older I get the more I know this to be true.

I am grateful that I live in a time where information is so freely available. You can learn about anything at anytime, even your life purpose, and I for one freakin love it.

I am grateful for red cappuccinos. Since I cut out practically everything the red cappuccino has become my treat of choice. I salute its red, foamy deliciousness.

I am grateful for books...I wish my life purpose was to be surrounded by books, and I would get paid to read them...but I want to get paid a lot....I read gooood.

I am grateful for talkative strangers. I love talking to strangers, yes I am indeed a rule breaker. It is always nice to have random conversations with random people for no other reason than that the two of you were coincidentally at the same place at the same time, the world is a big place filled with many people so the odds of you sharing a path with someone else is quite extraordinary. Think about it and than go talk about it to a random stranger, but be careful of the dodgy looking ones.

I am grateful for hot chocolate. Yes, I have found the holy grail or that is what is feels like, I have discovered a hot chocolate that does not contain sugar, is extremely low in calories, it contains green tee extract and a whole bunch of other ingredients that actually help you burn fat, and the best part is it tastes amazing...o man am I grateful for hot chocolate.

I am grateful for that time in the morning when the sun has just come up, and the world sort of looks a little pink. You can feel the world waking up, and it feels like life is filled with possibility, and for a couple of minutes everyday it feels like you really can achieve anything you set your mind/heart to.

I realise now that there are many things I am grateful for, life even with all it suckiness and emotional rollercoasters is pretty grand.

Why don't you also list a few things that you are grateful for, don't go all deep about it, just list the silly things. The sarcastic teenager in me even stopped rolling her eyes.

Good day.

DAY 32: Come Here, Go Away.

Sometimes we push away the things we desire most. There can be many reasons for this behaviour. You may know that what you crave is not really all that good for you, for example chocolate cake, let's pick on chocolate cake for a while. Chocolate cake in all its deliciousness. Come here you delectable morsel...but no our love cannot be...go away. I have chocolate cake on the brain today.
As appetising as a slice of chocolate cake sounds right about now, it is not really what I want to discuss...mmm Chocolate cake.

I have seen it many a time, and I myself am guilty of it, but for some reason we tend to run away from the things that we really want, because it makes us a little uncomfortable. We pursue things, be it a goal, be it a love interest, be it a dream, whatever, the moment we get close to it, we start subconsciously thinking about losing it, and we might even convince ourselves that we never really wanted it anyway, then we abandon the whole pursuit. Our species has developed a glorious knack for justifying our actions, the good and the bad. We lie to ourselves and don't really want to admit that fear has caused another failure. We tell ourselves things like "the thrill is in the chase" because it keeps us from ever having to admit how badly we really want something "It was stupid anyway" we might say. Sometimes we are cowards, but who wants to confess that.

 I know I spoke about fear yesterday, but it is a big topic and it has a major influence on us, so I am going to touch on it again. There are three fears I believe that stops us from achieving our goals or attaining our desires. There may be more but what do I know I aint no psychologist and I am just speculating.

The Fear of Rejection: We do not like to be rejected, do we? And who can blame us it really sucks, but in all honesty it is not so bad, it only stings for a little while, and its sting is much better than a lifetime of 'what-ifs'. In the end it is going to be the what-ifs that gets you, you wont even remember the rejections. You get hurt, you cry, you feel sorry for yourself, you get up, you try a little harder, and when you get where you need to be you stop.

The Fear of failure: We don't want to be losers, and failing is embarrassing isn't it? It doesn't have to be. If you have not failed at anything, you must be an alien, and you are indeed a unique snow flake you glorious creature. The rest of us have failed at things many times...or at least I hope so, I hope it is not just me. Some of my favourite people in the world have been considered failures at one point in time. And know this, no one really pays as much attention to us as we think, everyone else is also just busy trying to figure out who they are, and it is a full-time job. The ones who are all up in your grill, and who judges your every move need to seriously get a life, so pay no attention to them. Failing is the best way to learn how not to do something. So let's fail a little, lets fail at love, lets fail at life, but only for a little while, then we regroup and we crush it. The world loves to root for the underdog...the underdog must just never give up. The important thing is to try.

The Fear of Success: This one is much worse than you think, because what if after all of our efforts, all our tears and struggle, when we finally get what we want, it disappoints us.
And now a little bit of lyrics to emphasise my point.

I gotta check myself before I get what I want
Find out it's not what I thought it was - Kwabs:"Walk"

Honestly you can always go back to what you were before you achieved your success. It is your life, it is your choices so do what makes you happy, and here is the thing...at least you will know...and knowing is way better than wondering about something, even if it doesn't turn out the way you hope.

I know I sound all preppy and yeah life today, but trust me these fears cripple me. I have said it many times by identifying things you can defeat them, and that is exactly what I plan to do. You can call me many things sir...but never a coward.

I am going to find a nice sugar free chocolate cake recipe now.

DAY 31: Fear

Lets give a shout out to Fear, that crippling, defeating, foe that is always waiting in the wings of the theater production we call our lives. Fear is the only real enemy, but it has so many faces that we don't always realize when we are in its presence. It holds us back by pretending to be common sense, it prevents us from taking chances when it wears its false mask of reason, it kills you while it lovingly whispers that it only wants to protect you.

So I am now in the home stretch of the journey, I have reached the countdown mark...10..9..8..7..6...you get the point, and do you know what the result is...tears...every emotion that I didn't want to face has flooded to the surface and I cannot stop crying...ok that is not completely true...i still function in public, I cry when no one is looking, but I am sure everyone has their suspicions.

We fear to face ourselves, and why wouldn't we? It is a painful process where you have to look yourself in the eye and admit where you screwed up, where you have to acknowledge your flaws, and deal with the fact that perhaps you are not the worlds most special unique snowflake (Just kidding I realised that a long time ago, but I guess you always hope that you are.) But there is more to the story, the hardest part of facing who you are, is to be patient and kind to yourself, to stop judging yourself so harshly, and to love yourself a little. That shit makes you cry. I have never believed this little voice, but now its whispers are becoming louder and louder and it is telling me that maybe I am good a girl after all, and that I should not be so hard on myself. Now I am thinking about Pinocchio when the fairy granted his wish. "I am a real boy". I guess I just want to be real girl...whatever that means.
So what does all this have to do with fear? The answer is Everything.

It is scary to let go of everything you know, all the illusions you have created around yourself, to hide yourself, not just from the world but from you. It is terrifying to face the unknown to reinvent yourself, to find your path. It is much easier to just hang around the parameters of your comfort zone, and to ignore the stirs of change that you can feel happening inside you. When life beckons to you, obey...but I don't want to it is scary. Fear is only an enemy if we allow it to defeat us. My mind is unraveling.

I don't have all the answers, I just have a lot of questions, and the more  I look for answers, the more questions I gather. I don't know how to defeat my fears, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of failure, the fear of abandonment, the fear of my own mortality and limitations, and the worst one of all the fear of letting go. Maybe more answers will come eventually, but now I am just stuck with all these emotions and I have to confess that no matter how much of a fight I put up, I am just a scared little girl. Maybe by acknowledging her I can find the warrior within, and then finally the curtain can come down on the theater production dominated by Fear.

"Fear is an emotional response induced by a perceived threat, which causes a change in brain and organ function, as well as in behavior. Fear can lead us to hide, to run away, or to freeze in our shoes. Fear may arise from a confrontation or from avoiding a threat, or it may come in the form of a discovery." - The Internet

DAY 30: Recurring Themes

Wow!!! day 30. This journey is almost over and if I am honest I do not feel redeemed yet. I hoped that by sacrificing so many tools of instant gratification my head, body, soul, mind, all of it, would become aligned and I would find the answers that I seek, but honestly I feel more confused than ever.
There is something I no longer can deny, I have never had the guts to admit this because I didn't want to offend anybody, and I was scared to alienate myself, but I have noticed that I am a champion at alienating myself anyway so I might as well spill the beans. The only reason why I feel it is important to confess  this, is because maybe there are others out there who are silently struggling with the same thing. My name is Edith and I have two parts that are constantly battling, and they have been battling as long as I can remember. I am the reluctant Atheist and the hopeful believer. A part of me believes in everything, a part of me believes in nothing. Forever torn. Forever wondering, and this is the true core of all my confusion and suffering, because I cannot pick a side.

I had a long conversation with an extremely wise women today. I am always grateful for our talks because she has this wonderful ability to put things into perspective, always guiding never judging, always more helpful than she ever realises. She is the same age as me, but in some ways she is many years ahead of me. She brought it to my attention that I have removed all my coping mechanisms in one go...the smoking, and drinking and all that...and now I have to come to terms with all my defence mechanisms; How I push things away, how I rationalise things, how I obsess, how I want to control everything, how I protect myself from the world, and how I often look for the path of least resistance even tough I know it is not what I truly desire. Her advice was that I should not be so hard on myself, and that I should give things time, and that I should have faith that my psyche will only allow me to make a move when I am ready, and not a moment sooner. My immediate response was "But how does one stop being mad at God?"...I guess that means that I must believe in him considering that I have been mad at him for a very long time. "Stop being mad at yourself first" was her answer. I wish I knew how.

Let me tell you a little more about my conundrum. Some of you may be able to emphasise and others may not have a clue what I am talking about but here goes...To have faith, you need to believe in things that you can not see, and things that cannot be proven. You have to have hope, and hope and faith are often confirmed by feelings, emotions, by someone trusting their gut, trusting their heart. The reluctant atheist in me thinks this all just sounds like wishful thinking, and it wonders where the line between delusion and hope is. I have said before hope can trap you. Also I do not trust my heart or my gut at all anymore, I have before and it lead me to places I would have been better off never to have visited in the first place. So I am left with my mind, and what I call the voice of Reason. My wise friend said that I named it the voice of reason to make it sound like it has authority, but maybe it is not really the voice of reason after all, still it is the only thing I trust at the moment. The voice of reason does not believe in anything it cannot see, or cannot explain, it looks at the facts and then draws a conclusion, it is not emotional, and believes that everything is completely in my own hands, I am the master of my own fate, and that I should eliminate anybody that stands in my way, holds me back, or doesn't serve me. I don't like the voice of reason. I love the idea of destiny and that we are all part of a grand story, but just because I want to believe in things, doesn't mean I can. My mind simply doesn't work that way.  My recurring prayer is that the voice of reason will be proven wrong...but it never has been and it seems like it never will be...perhaps it is the part of me I should give into, the part of me I need to become.  I have heard many times that you have to find the truth within yourself, that there are some things that you just know, and my response is that there have been many things that I just knew, things that my heart and my gut swore to me to be the truth, and it turned out to be false, heartbreakingly false. So the only reason for me to have faith is if something external happens, something magical, something majestic, something  that I could not have just imagined or believed I saw simply because I wanted to see it, something beautiful is necessary to restore my faith, but that is not how things work is it. Still,  I am hoping for this to happen, and my hope has trapped me in a loop. I do not trust my own feelings about anything anymore and I definitely cannot trust someone else's feelings. This is my dilemma, the battle between hoping to have faith, and not believing in anything at all. The storm that is continually raging, and the worst part is it is completely beyond my control...or I guess that is not true, I do have a choice. I can choose to believe in nothing at all...I understand the logic, but for some reason this saddens me.

To be continued....

DAY 29: Define Me

Today I am going to write a poem...because I am all out of ideas and why not write a poem. I haven't written a poem in a while, and I have no idea what is going to manifest on the page...mmm...let's see shall we.

I am not the person you knew yesterday.
 I am fluid, I keep moving.
  I flow, I leave behind.

Do not label me 
  Do not confine me to the prison of your mind 
    Do not judge glimpses of me.

I am my own worst critic.
  Your words are not needed.
     I fall, I cry, I get up, I move on
       Do not try to keep me down so you can understand me.

I am not the person you knew yesterday.
  I am fluid, I keep moving.
    I flow, I leave the past behind. 
      I am undefined.

Ok all done....very short I know, but I am not going to force it.
Man I do love words...I love poetry. I think we should all write more poems, even if no-one sees it. It is really good for the heart.

I challenge anyone out there to also write a poem today. Feel free to send it to me if you like.
I guarantee I will appreciate it.

DAY 28: Story time

Today I am in the mood to write a story so that is exactly what I will be doing.

A Night at Jack Dandy's

The slightly depressed clown walked into the bar. None of the patrons of Jack Dandy's paid any attention because the bar welcomed all sorts and it was a well known fact that most clowns were slightly depressed. "Whiskey straight up" said the clown and the barman obliged. The clown lit a cigarette as he scanned the joint. It was a quite night, the barman was wiping the counter trying to look like he had something to do, there was a man wearing a tie-dyed T-shirt just staring at the stage, and while the clown inhaled he noticed the broad at the other end of the counter. She was a big girl, you would struggle to find a country where she would not be considered obese, but that was not what made her stand out, what caught the clowns eye was her outfit. She was dressed as a ballerina. The clown immediately imagined the dancing hippos of Fantasia, and while he was doing this the ballerina started to make her way towards him. "Do you believe in love at first sight?" the ballerina asked as she waited for the clown to light her cigarette. "No" said the clown as he lit it. "Do you believe in love at all?" she asked, now making herself comfortable next to him. "No" he responded again as he put out his cigarette. The clown wasn't aware that the obese ballerina had a thing for clowns. There was something about their red noses that just made her want to give herself to them completely, and she also had thing for their big feet. "You know what they say about the size of a mans feet" she would joke. It never occurred to her that maybe clowns just wore big shoes. "What is your name?" asked the ballerina. "Gary" the clown responded. "No I mean what is your clown name" she said. "Gary" the clown replied. "Mmmm...Gary the clown. I will remember that because I hope to be screaming it later." She said and then she bit her bottom lip and brushed her hair behind her ear. "O why the hell not...sure beats being alone...and I am not getting any younger." the clown thought to himself.  "Why are you dressed as a ballerina?" the clown asked, if they were going to do the dance of two lonely lust filled souls, he might as well get to know her a little. "I do what I like. No one is going to tell me what I can or cannot be. I love to dance, and if I feel like a ballerina...I am a f@king ballerina." She responded rather defensively. "Why are you dressed like a clown?" she asked. "Because I am a clown" he responded. He lit another cigarette and started to over explain things, in the way that slightly depressed clowns often do. "I wanted to be a stand up comedian, but I didn't want to put myself out there that much. I prefer the anonymous life of a clown. I make you laugh, but you just see my mask, you will never see me." said the clown as he took another shot of whiskey. "Why not be both darling." said the ballerina. "What do you mean?" asked the clown. "I mean, why don't you be a clown that does stand-up comedy. You can tell your jokes and no-one has to know who you are....there is a stage right there...why don't you give it a go. I promise I will laugh" said the obese ballerina.

"Nobody takes me seriously." said the clown who was now doing his stand-up comedy routine. The guy wearing the tie-dyed T-shirt, came out of his trance and exploded with laughter. This encouraged the clown. "So how many old people can you fit into a minivan?.....well it all depends on how small you chop them up." It turned out the clown had quite a dark sense of humour, but tie-dye guy and the ballerina were cracking up over his material. The audience of two laughing at his material made the clown forget that he was slightly depressed, and he felt alive. Tie dyed man seemed to be crying from all the laughter, and the clown knew he had discovered his destiny. "My Beautiful ballerina ask me again if I believe in love." the clown said. "Do you believe in love?" the ballerina obeyed. "Tonight I might." the clown answered. The game was over, they would definitely end up in bed together. That was all the ballerina wanted anyway, that was the only reason that she was laughing at his jokes. The man in the tie-dyed shirt was also not really laughing at the clown. He was a Starseed from the Glaxton nebula, sent to earth to help with the ascension of the enlightened ones, or at least that was what he believed, and it is so much cooler than believing that he was merely a 37 year old cab-driver who lived with his mother. The tie-dyed Starseed smoked a lot of pot...a lot, and he was high, off his face, he didn't even hear what the clown said, but his bright suit made him laugh.

The clown and the obese ballerina disappeared from Jack Dandy's shortly after the clowns last joke. The ballerina was very exited to get the clown out of his big shoes, and the clown was all high on life, because he believed he was destined to bring laughter to the world...and he was glad that this story would end with a happy ending...nudge...nudge...wink...wink.

"Well I guess it all depends on how you look at things" said the barman who had been quietly watching everything. "A night at Jack Dandy's changes lives" he grinned and took a swig of whiskey straight out of the bottle.

THE END



DAY 27: The Ups and Downs

This post is about the different people we are during the course of a day. When I first thought about writing about this theme I was in a certain mood, now that I actually am writing about it I am in another, and up and down and round and round we go. Now just to be clear, I do not mean that one moment I am Harry the construction worker from Brooklyn , then all of a sudden I am Louise the nymphomaniac alcoholic just trying to get a fix. That would be rather interesting but I simply want to discuss how our moods affect the way we interact with the world, how our moods can alter our perception and how hard it can be to control the bastards.

I have identified five types in myself, there may be more, there may be less, but it is fun to analyse yourself in this manner and I suggest you do the same. I am trying to figure out what triggers them into existence, because if I can figure that out I can check myself...before I wreck myself. I apologise for that, but I just had to.

1. The fatalistic cynic - Yes somewhere inside me there is Marvin the android from "Hitch Hikers guide to the Galaxy". That part of me that just wants to go "Oh what is the point...sigh?" This part of me is extremely analytical. It wants to understand everyone and everything. I think this part also has a wicked sense of humour, because it mostly thinks everything is rather pointless and stupid. It is constantly looking for patterns, it wants answers immediately. It only accepts cold hard evidence, and despises human emotion, which is rather ironic because I think it is rather depressed, because it doesn't always get answers and most things in life don't really have patterns. This part is triggered whenever I feel misunderstood, bored with conversations and a little insecure.

2. The Spiritual Optimist - This part is very much in tune with herself and everyone else. She is very tranquil, and she loves the world and everything in it. She is artistic and she loves to create. She loves telling stories, and is filled with joy. She wants to serve, she want to help and heal, and love. She is hopeful and has faith that everything will work out as it should. She believes that life does in fact have meaning. She is the direct opposite of the fatalistic cynic, who really couldn't give a shit. She appears when she is around people she loves, and genuinely cares about. She appears when she feels appreciated, but if the people she loves hurt her or make her feel slightly judged she can quickly transform into either the fatalistic cynic or melodramatic psycho bitch.

3. Melodramatic Psycho bitch. -  I am not proud of this part, in fact I don't like her at all. She is my misguided self-protection shield, and damn can she put up a fight. She doesn't want to take any prisoners, and she will cut you...emotionally cut you. She wants to push people away so she can say "See I told you they never cared...you are better of without them....screw them all....hurt them before they can hurt you." She is paranoid, anxious and dangerous, she hates people, because she doesn't trust people and she thinks everyone and everything is out to get her, to screw her over. The only good thing I can say about her, is that she is highly alert, but she uses her alertness to confirm her suspicions and paranoia and the made up scenarios in her head. Only people who get too close, get to see melodramatic psycho bitch, because they scare the hell out of her, they make her feel vulnerable, and she hates feeling vulnerable so she wants them to go away, and this always triggers type 4...

4. The needy little princess - She feels guilty for everything melodramatic psycho bitch does, and she immediately wants to fix whatever damage has been caused. She is all "I am sorry...forgive me...forgive me...please love me...why wont you love me." She believes she is a victim, and she wants to be saved from the tower she finds herself in. She is the princess and Melodramatic Psycho bitch is the dragon that needs to be appeased or slayed of whatever. This is often confusing for the victims of melodramatic psycho bitch because they don't understand how a person can go from being so defensive one second to incredibly needy the next. The dualistic nature of these two types sometimes make me look batshit crazy I think, but they both have a tendency to disappear when I feel safe and in control of my life.

5. The Mindful Controller - This is the most level-headed and clear-thinking type. I don't think it is a type on it's own really but what happens when the other 4 are balanced, when there is equilibrium. She is spiritual without being ridiculously optimistic, she is sceptical but listens with discernment. She is hopeful, but knows she has to work for what she wants. She doesn't mind feeling vulnerable but she isn't a victim. She appears when I calm the hell down, and I don't react to every emotion. She is in control, but knows not everything can be controlled and sometimes you just have to wait and see. 

That was fun! I rather enjoyed dissecting myself.

For those of you who have been cut by Melodramatic Psycho bitch, we apologise. She has been quarantined, and we have had a stern chat with her. She now paints and sews this seems to calm her down.

So in a day I can be anyone of the five. I hope you meet the mindful controller, and may you never cross paths with the Melodramatic Psycho Bitch.

DAY 26: Illusions





There are many things we tell ourselves that are simply not true, yet we cling to them, we hold on stubbornly because we want them to be true. We force ourselves to see things that are not there, because we need them to be there, and without them we feel lost. Our illusions serve us for a little while, they help us cope with things we do not whish to face head on, it almost softens the blow of reality, but eventually our created illusions and delusions have to shatter. If you don't let them go they will consume you, they will keep you from the truth and they will trap you...and boy have I been its prisoner for a long time.

 

 

 

I don't know who Dr Steve Maraboli is, if he even is a real doctor, or a snake oil salesman, but his words inspired me today. I think we all can relate with his words because we are all human, and I almost want to bet that we have all been hurt by others at one time or another. I hear you Dr Maraboli...but I want to throw a spanner in the works, or whatever that saying is. What if it is not others who hurt us, but our expectations and delusions of them that end up causing us pain.

 

I don't know if I have ever been in love with a real person. I just pick someone and then I project every quality I desire on them. I convince myself that they are everything I ever wanted, that they tick every box and wait for it...I am sure they will complete me. Now if they don't act in the exact way that is expected of them, I get slightly upset, but never mind, I'll give them another chance, because I know who they really are. My delusions are so strong that I have convinced myself that what I am actually doing is to only see the good in people, my idea of good, and I would because I put it there. So every time someone doesn't act in the way I want them to act I get hurt, turning me into some lovesick martyr for my own bullshit. "You say you love me, why don't you do everything exactly like I expect you to...you are hurting my feelings." Man I can be a brat.

 

I have been aware of this idiosyncrasy of mine for awhile, but I know I am not alone in this, a lot of people like to fall in love with their own fantasies, and then we get incredibly upset when fantasy and reality doesn't meet, and then we suffer and write rubbish angst ridden poetry. A part of me is starting to think that secretly I like to suffer, or maybe I just really like writing rubbish angst ridden poetry, I cannot be sure.

 I have even written a really crappy book about it called "The Unreachable Billy Blignaut"...no it wasn't published it was way to crap for that but it did help me get rid of some of my teenage emotions. The book is about a girl who has an imaginary friend called Billy Blignaut, he is the perfect man, he is sensitive, but still manly, he is handsome...feel free to fill in the gaps with your own fantasies here. Billy Blignaut is perfect. Billy helped...I can't remember the girls name, but I might as well say me, Billy helped me through a lot of tough situations, because no matter how bad things got there was always Billy, with his words of encouragement and understanding...but Billy's presence also prevented any real human connection, because lets face it no one could compare, or compete with him...bla bla bla things happen...bla bla bla drama drama...bla bla bla the moral of the story is that Billy Blignaut had all the qualities she believed she lacked in herself, when she was weak Billy was strong, and she finally had to accept that Billy was not someone she had to find in the world outside, but that she in fact was Billy Blignaut and that she had been complete all along...Yeah I know I have always been a weird kid.

 

Ok I think I got a little distracted there, back to illusions and Dr Maraboli's quote. There is one thing I don't agree with in this statement "You are not worth it". Now don't be mean Dr Maraboli. Lets not be bitter if people don't live up to our fantasies, they never said they would in the first place. We cannot determine another persons worth, we are all worthy. Some might hurt you and in return you might hurt others, but we are still all worthy. We are all in the process of learning, and if someone hurts you, or you don't like the stage of progress they are currently at, leave, but don't call them unworthy.

 

Yes we are hurt when our delusions are replaced with reality, this applies to any relationship, friends, lovers, and even yourself. The hardest Illusions to shatter are the ones about yourself.  It is absolutely ok to cry about it as well, but first investigate was it really the person who hurt you or your expectations. Billy Blignaut is a legend, off course we want to look for him, of course we want to find him, but all those qualities that you look for is already inside yourself. You are already complete, so allow others the space to be themselves, who they really are without you projecting things onto them, without your illusions, delusions and expectations. Let's give each other a chance. We might be pleasantly surprised. We just need to have a little bit of faith.

 

 





DAY25: The Curious case of helping others

This helping others thing is a lot tougher than I thought...

Not because there are not people to help, but because life is so distracting that we don't see the ones that are in need of assistance. This sounds like a stupid excuse but just doing what 'needs' to be done everyday can be quite time consuming, it can suck up all your attention and then you miss the world around you. 

I also have to admit, and I am not proud of this, but I need to be honest, there are people I don't really want to help. When someone asks me for money my immediate reaction is "get away from me...your existence annoys me." I really don't like beggars, and I especially don't like carguards, they make me so angry, that I almost feel entitled to be rude to them, and often I am.  Why do they make me so angry? Is it because they don't fit some kind of societal mould I have created in my head? Is it because I feel I have to work so how dare they just ask me for money? Is it because I think they have no pride? or is it because they make me feel guilty? Guilty that even tough I can feel so gloriously sorry for myself at times, and sadness is a friend of mine, I actually have it pretty good. Life if I am honest has been kind to me, I have always had someone who looked out for me...always. There has always been someone who was willing to take care of me, when I was down on my luck, or had no idea where to turn. I had every opportunity a person could have to succeed and if I am honest I didn't have to fight very hard for it. Yes, I did work hard when I had to work hard, but I probably didn't work harder than anybody else would have, and I was always safe, even if I failed I wouldn't have ended up on the street.... I am starting to feel a little bad now, maybe if I just admit that I am lucky and that when all things are said and done I am blessed, and I should be grateful for this, and my gratefulness should inspire me to serve others, even if they make me angry. ( I do not particularly like the word 'blessed'. It has been used way to much and now has an air of smugness around it, I want to blame the hipsters for this but I don't think they are the only guilty ones. Still I had to use the word, because all of us are uniquely blessed we just sometimes forget how much we really have to be thankful for.) It is so easy to convince yourself that you are somehow different than others, to classify them as something so that you can define yourself, we forget we are all in this together. 

I still don't think throwing money at people is the answer, often I just give money to make them go away. Perhaps I should just try talking to these people, listen to their stories...people have been there for me all my life, maybe it is time for me to return the favour...I am not promising anything but I will try to give it a go, maybe it will melt my cold, misguided anger.

I did reach out to 5 people, that was the easy part, because it is nice reaching out to friends and family, we just need to make time for it. We often complain that time flies, but it doesn't, we are simply so pre-occupied that we miss it. I think we should all take half a hour out of our day just to reach out to people. Think about the times that you felt a bit low, and how much it would have meant to you if someone just randomly sent love your way...think about it...think about it....now go and do it for someone else.

Side Note:  I held a baby today, and it calmed me down completely. To most of you this may not sound like much, but I have always been scared of babies. I like this particular baby I think we are going to be great friends. Maybe babies are not that scary after all.

DAY 24: Reboot.

I am sick of myself, but in a good way...nothing to be worried about mom. I am sick of being this whiny, woe-ways-me, mopey, moody, middle-aged teenager. I harp on a lot about emotions, and how I am feeling and stuff, but today I think I am acting a little like a brat. I think we should all beware the inner brat. It is quick to raise its pimply head when it feels it is not getting its way, and I think I sometimes run the danger of becoming too self-involved. This brat likes to throw its toys out of the cot and often leaves destruction behind. It stomps its feet, cries and yells "Pay attention to me" over and over again until you just want to punch it in the face. This brat needs a good talking to.

This has been a very public display of everyday emotions and I knew it was risky to do this when I first started, but I also knew I had to do it. Not only would it give me a reason to stick to my guns, but it would also be a way for me to monitor my progress.  I went back and re-read my posts so far to see if I can pick up common threads, and whether I can really see a change in myself, but the only thing I concluded was that something is missing from the pages...I gave up a lot of things but now I have to start giving something back.

 

My body is doing OK, I realised I really want to drink and smoke when I become overly-emotional...I don't, but I really want to. My mind is clearer, but with this new found clarity all the emotions that I didn't want to face, all the feelings I drank, ate and smoked away are rushing out of me, tearing its way through me, leaving me in a puddle of self-pity, restlessness, and anxiety. This has got to stop, because the brat in me is taking it out on everyone around me. Trying to push everyone away so I can fulfil my own negative prophecies: "See I knew you never really cared" To all of you who are still my friends after all of this Thank you for your patience, I salute you.

 

 I am going to try and stop my self destructive behaviour by shifting the focus from myself onto others.  It may not be much but I will try to do something nice for some-one everyday. It can be for some-one I know or for a stranger, I will also try to give a compliment to every one that crosses my path, but I have to be sincere.  I have to say yes to everyone who asks me for help, but I also have to actively look for those who do. Everyday I will also send a heartfelt message to old friends, new friends, people who I haven't spoken to for a while, and people who I speak to everyday. It think 5 people a day will do. But here is the kicker...I must do all this without expecting anything in return. I need to learn some humility.

 

I also think it is time that I really start being honest with myself about what I really want and who I really want to be...because one thread that I did pick up from all of this is that I am really trying hard to defeat my ego. It has come to my attention that the reason the ego acts up in the first place is because...wait for it...you are not really happy with yourself, your situation or your story at the moment. And how easy it is to get sucked up into a life that is not really yours. The ego may be misguided and a pain in the ass, but in a weird way it is trying to tell you something. OK the only thing I have figured out so far, is that I really crave a simple, creative life...that's it, that's all I know. Maybe by focussing my attention on helping others the image will become clearer. I hope so, who knows, life is sometimes funny like that.

 

 I will keep you informed how all of this works out and if it even makes a difference.

 

 “We cannot solve a problem with the same level of consciousness that created it."

-Albert Einstein-

DAY 23: I've got 99 problems, but....

I've got 99 problems, but 95 of those are made up scenarios that exist only in my head.

How many of us have those little voices, the voices that whisper, the voices that drive you up the wall, the voices that make you doubt everything even your own reality....if the answer is no that is just you girl than I probably do need help.

These little whispers turn even the most mundane of days into a fully fledged stage production...now lets investigate how they operate. It always starts with something silly. You might send someone a message, a joke maybe, then you will see that the person has read the message, but you have yet to receive a reply, and no reply comes. Those two little blue ticks confirming "Yes, they have read your message....look" are mocking you. Instead of just thinking hey maybe they are just busy, you allow the voices to take over. "What have you done now?", " They are mad at you", "They hate you"...and then there is a part of you that goes: "No Surely not" Then you try to shut out the voices, you will prove them wrong. "I will just send another message to test the waters." Something like a "heeeyy...what is up?" and again the two blue ticks appear...and the mocking continues, there is no reply. "Was my joke really that bad?" "Did I offend them in some way?" and then the voices take over and you spiral out of control, you are going to crash head first into the dark world of irrationality. So you start sending message after message...you have created an entire back story as to what is going on, one in where you screwed up somehow.  "Why are they ignoring me?" You convince yourself this person is incredibly rude, and you start getting angry. "Well if you are mad at me why don't you just say so." Then somewhere in the middle of all this paranoid delusion, you have a moment of sanity " O shit I am acting like a crazy person and you try to fix your crazy with more crazy. You flood their inbox trying to explain yourself, you try to be all jokey but it is too late, you are having an entire conversation with yourself at the expense of some-one else's phone memory...things get waaaay out of hand. The jokeynes takes on a more sinister tone, and everything you are doing reveals that maybe you don't have all your ducks in a row at the moment, you pretty much reveal you are losing your shit. "Why wont you talk to me?" "Why wont you loooove me?" '"Answer me dammit....Answer me.." And then the reply comes. "I am sorry. I was in a meeting. I couldn't reply....Are you alright?" Now irrationality changes into embarrassment, but you are slightly relieved that they don't hate you. It was a roller-coaster ride of emotion for you, you wasted so much time and energy, and now the person in question probably does think there is something wrong with you, and this makes you feel more insecure giving the voices more ammunition. Everything only happened in your head, and you had to go and make it real. The voices cheering you on to destroy yourself, confirming all your insecurities every step of the way.
Perhaps I should just throw my phone away and go live in the bush. There will be no little blue ticks to mock me there...those horrible little blue ticks of insanity.

Screw those little voices...screw them all. I think the blue ticks and the voices are conspiring against us...but I may be wrong.

I need to work on my paranoia.

DAY 22: The 7 Pillars of the Self.

We build the towers that contain us and then we expect someone to save us from it. We laid down every brick, we poured the cement and we decide how high the walls will be. Even if someone manages to infiltrate your fortress, they cannot save you, because the foundations are a part of you.  When you're ready you will leave the tower or you will stay there indefinitely. It is up to you. You are not a victim, you are not helpless and only you  know where the key is hidden.

So far we have focussed a lot on the ego, how we lie to ourselves, and why it is necessary to let go. Today I want to be a little more pro-active and rather focus on things that we have more control over and is very much in our power to change. I call this the 7 Pillars of the Self, because lets face it is catchy...This is just one of my self-indulgent ways of explaining to you how I experience the world, so please humour me. Master the 7 Pillars and you master yourself.

1. The Mind - Everything starts off as a thought, be it positive or negative if you allow it to take over,  it will. The mind is the centre of your thoughts, and thoughts are the triggers of your emotions. If you can identify your "trigger thoughts" you can stabilise your emotions. Of the 7 Pillars the mind is my favourite, if it is not flooded with emotions it can rationally, coolly and calmly guide you. Calm your mind by breathing, do something creative and allow your imagination to take you on adventures. Be aware of your tendency for negative thoughts and try to override them the moment you become aware of them.

2. The Heart - I hope you have a better relationship with your heart than I do. Of all the pillars it is by far the most deceiving. It seems to have its own agenda, it claims to know things that I can neither prove nor understand. It leads you to places where it can break itself open, where it can bleed and forever change you and I for one have no idea why it loves to be hurt so much. In Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist the title character says that the heart has its own language, a language we don't always understand, but we have to be quiet and learn to listen to what it has to say. The heart craves beauty and story, it hopes for things as it should be, but the world we live in doesn't quite live up to its expectations. To know your heart is to know yourself.  It doesn't lead us to what we want it leads us to what we need and understanding the reason for its deception will set you free.

3.The Soul - When I refer to the soul, I mean that part of you that doesn't give up, the part that believes you can achieve things. The spirited part that drives you, that wants you to advance and grow. The soul I believe is that something that wants to break free from the shackles life has forced upon it. It wants to soar. It is the guardian of your ultimate truth, the keeper of your light.

4. The Body - When we take a good look at our physical appearance, we have to admit that most of us look quite unhealthy. I do not mean we are overweight, but most of us seem almost dull. We stuff our bodies with junk, we don't exercise enough and we just exist in these vessels that are not even an eighth of what they could be, and we just accept it, because beauty is on the inside and all that rubbish. I know I am being rather harsh, I have always hated that saying...or rather excuse because most people don't take the time to work on their internal world much either. The body is something we need to conquer, but we don't, because it takes discipline, hard work and sacrifice...please note I am the most guilty person here. I have never mastered my body, it is an ongoing battle, but it is a noble cause, and also exercise makes you feel so much happier.

5. The Goals - If you are going to focus your energy on other people you are going to be greatly disappointed...I don't mean screw people, just don't allow other people and how they react to you affect you. We are all looking for meaning, for a sense of who we are, and the safest way to explore this is by setting goals...what do you want to achieve? I am not only referring to the "How am I going to make money and survive" goal but also answer the following question for yourself. "What do I want to put out into the world, what do I want to say? What do I want? If you can answer this truthfully, you are halfway there.

6. The Dreams - This one is linked to the goals, but the goals we approach in a much more analytical fashion, the goals break down what you want and how you are going to achieve it. Where the dreams are more ethereal and self-indulgent. It is those things that if only you could you'd do them...things like being a rock star. All goals first start of as a dream, so the two go hand and hand. Dream as big as you wish, your goals will help you achieve them.

7. The Service - To truly master yourself you are going to have to submerge yourself in the world you are given. I know there a lot of people who will disagree with me on this one, but hear me out. I mean you are going to have to learn how to serve, how to give without expecting anything in return...this is extremely difficult. Given everything you have learned about yourself how are you going to use your unique skill set to serve the world and the creatures that reside in it.

The time has come to free yourself from your tower. The world is in need of few good, complete and free princesses. Master the 7 Pillars and Master yourself.