Saturday, May 28, 2016




 
And here it is....The Photoshoot.
Thanks to everyone who read the posts. It was fun.
All the best to all of you.

Friday, May 27, 2016

DAY 40: The End of the Road.


40 Days done!!! I wish I had something profound to say, something that would touch your hearts and inspire you, but unfortunately I don't. I feel much healthier, I lost weight and I think I am almost getting the hang of the carousel spin of death, but I still don't have all the answers. What I have gained however is a strange calm, telling me to not  always want immediate results, I need to give life time to reveal itself. When the time is right the answers will come.

Now it is time for reflection. What happened to the little-mullet haired girl? Well the short answer...she never left, she just grew up. Nothing stays the same and everything has its season. The adult version of me felt guilty all the time, I felt like I had somehow let her down. She had so many dreams, she wanted to conquer the world, she had so much ambition, it was exhausting to live up to all her expectations. She wanted to show the world that even if the odds were against you, even if you were a little mullet-haired girl you could change your stars, you could achieve anything. She wanted to prove to the world just how great she was...but this is where me and the little-mullet haired girl now have to part ways, I have been conflicted about all the things I haven't achieved for a very long time, but you know what, I do not want to show the world how great I am anymore, I don't want to change my stars, I want to embrace them and see what they have to offer, because I have been running from myself for along time, running towards some ideal version of myself where I will be happy. I was torn between all the versions of myself, that which I am, that which I thought I should be, and that which I want to be.  Happiness is not a destination, it is not something you have to achieve, it is you, it is your story, every bit of it, even though it never quite turns out the way we expect. Little mullet-haired girl wanted all the fame and fortune the world had to offer...me I just want a simple life. This does not mean that I will stop believing that I can in fact change my stars...if I want to I could. We all can. But I do not have to do anything to define myself anymore, no-one has to. The fact that we are here is quite enough. It was fun looking for you little-mullet haired girl, I will always respect your balls...always. Thank you for your sense of humour, and that no-one scares you, I will hold on to that, but it is time for us to make peace.

"And I guess what I have to say is really simple. Little Mullet haired girl, with all of my heart and with everything that I am, my love, goodbye."

I highly recommend that you also try doing something like this. Dedicate some time to yourself, give up you vices, ask the questions that have been burning a hole in you. Learn to forgive yourself, learn to surrender. Life is devastating, it is the toughest thing we are ever going to do, but it is also pretty grand.

I will not smoke again, I consider that habit kicked. I am done with sugar, quitting that has definitely made the greatest difference to my general well-being. Coffee and wine on the other hand will be making a comeback but in moderation, our relationship will never be the same again.

Now I said right in the beginning that I going to end all of this with a photo shoot...and that is indeed what I am going to do....Oh it is going to be fun. I will post the photos as soon as they are ready.

I don't have all the answers. I don't think I am supposed to have them yet. All in good time, and when I am ready.

All the best and take care of yourself.



Thursday, May 26, 2016

DAY39: All the little labels

No one makes it through life without being labelled, without being categorized by others. They confine you to the parameters of their own understanding, and they make it very hard for you to escape. If you have ever been labelled, and like I said we all have been, you know that labels have a tendency to stick. Now if you are like me, you too find this infuriating, because a label can never tell you the whole story.

None of us are just one thing. We should stop reducing each other!

I have been labelled as weird, artsy, over-dramatic, sensitive, intense and my personal favourite different...I don't really understand that one, because different to what? Even positive labels can be a trap...smart, funny, interesting, strong, independent...because you are expected to be that all the time...How exhausting.

Human beings are complex creatures, often predictable, but complex nonetheless. We have the power to surprise, the power to change and the power to be what ever the hell we want. I am not entirely certain who I am, who are you to tell me? The world would be a better place if people spent more time trying to figure themselves out, rather than deciding what others are or are not. Find yourself first, leave others alone.

The reason why we label people is Fear...yes it is making an appearance again. If I label you, define you, put you in a box, I remove your mystery and you are no longer a threat, and the balance to my little delusional world has been restored once again.

All labels are relative, lets examine a few shall we...

Weird: All this means is that you think someone is not like you and your friends. This also means that you think you are the poster child for normal. First of all, how boring and secondly you are not as normal as you think. Someone, somewhere probably thinks you are the weird one.

Over-dramatic: What is the perfect level of dramatic, and if there is a level, it would mean that certain people are under-dramatic, that sounds much worse.

Sensitive: Again, compared to what or who? I would much rather be sensitive than insensitive, which people who label others as sensitive often are.

We can deconstruct labels all day, but I think I have made my point. It all boils down to perception, you are measuring people against yourself, and by doing this you are saying you are the universal unit of measurement of human experience, you are not, none of us are. Just because you have an opinion about someone does not make it the truth, so stop spreading it like it is the gospel. Stop doing that.

Everyone of us is made up of a million different things. You might be something today, learn a few lessons while you are there, and tomorrow you might be something else. We should allow others the space they need to grow. Allow people the time to define themselves, lets not be so arrogant as to think we have the right to do it for them.

"Labels belong on jars not on people" Thank you Anonymous, you strike again. It is a little lame...ok it is a lot lame, but there you have it. Anonymous has spoken.


Wednesday, May 25, 2016

DAY 38: The Long dark tea time of the Soul


I am a big fan of Douglas Adams. He had the wonderful ability to poke fun at everything held precious in one eloquent sentence. I have been thinking about him a lot during this story/journey/random 40 days I have decided to give up most of my vices. "The Long dark tea time of the Soul" keeps entering my mind. I am not sure why, but every morning I wake up there it is, like a whisper coming from within "The long dark tea time of the soul." I think it is a beautiful phrase, it is so simple yet it is filled with meaning. I read the book a few years ago, so I can't remember all the details, I just remember Dirk Gently and his slightly dark, slightly disillusioned take on life, but that is neither here nor there. 

I have mentioned before that I like looking for patterns, for meaning and links between things, like life is one big jigsaw puzzle waiting to be put together. I do realise that when you look for patterns you are bound to find them, that is the way the human mind works we look for meaning in things that often doesn't have meaning, like when you look at a cloud and you see a duck or whatever you were in the mood to see. Pick an object, any object, focus on it, and look for it the entire day. I can almost guarantee that you will start seeing the object everywhere, and if you want to you could even convince yourself it is a sign of some sorts, and if someone disagrees with you about the validity of the signs you can just ignore them knowing that they are simply not as sensitive as you. We see things because we look for it, but I do not think this should just be dismissed. Yes our brains work a certain way, and the patterns and signs that we see can be explained, but what fascinates me is the initial impulse, that little voice, that something that awoke the desire in you to look for these things in the first place. 

"The long dark tea time of the Soul" lead me to the "The dark Night of the Soul" a phrase that has been around for hundreds of years, but it is a recent discovery for me. Originally it was  a poem written by a 16th century Spanish poet known as Saint John of the Cross, but as time went by it was loaded with meaning and significance, a simple search will reveal this to you. The poem describes the journey of the soul from flesh to union with God, and it is considered the dark night because the destination is unknown. 

It even has a definition: 

dark night of the soul
noun
  1. a period of spiritual desolation suffered by a mystic in which all sense of consolation is removed.

There is so much information about this topic, how to make it through it, and what to learn from it, and it is fascinating. What fascinates me is the chain that links so many people over such a long period of time. People who have never heard of each other, people not connected in anyway all looking for meaning in the darkness. All knowing that if you focus on the light you can make it through anything, but you are going to be changed by the time you make it to the other side. This common quest pursued by so many,  lets it appear that perhaps life really does have meaning, even if it only lies hidden in our search for it.

So I enjoy looking for patterns, and my favourite pattern is the one that indicates we are all connected, and this pattern seems to be everywhere...or maybe that is just what I want to see. 








Tuesday, May 24, 2016

DAY 37: Forgiveness



The worst thing we can do to someone is to put them on a pedestal, because it leaves them with only a small margin to be human. No one can live up to unrealistic expectations, no one is fully in control of their lives, their emotions, their world all the time, inevitably ashes...ashes we all fall down.
Picking yourself up is excruciating enough, without having to face the judgement of those whose illusions you didn't live up to. Don't be too harsh on people who are in the process of fixing themselves. Know that they will backslide from time to time, because that is just how humans roll. If you can see someone is trying cut them some slack.

We should aim to be kinder to each other, not just your nearest and dearest...everyone. Kindness should become a habit. It should be our default setting. Even if someone angers you, or pushes all your buttons try to respond with kindness and see how the situation resolves itself. We are all such wonderfully delicate, insecure seedlings, and kindness is the fertile soil in which we can grow. I believe everyone has the potential for greatness, they just have to choose it and then they have to believe it, and we can help them with this belief by being kind.

So why did I call this post forgiveness if I seem to be going on about so many random things? It is simple, I believe the root of kindness is forgiveness. If you forgive someone not only for their past discretions, if you accept them for who they are and not some version of them you have created, and you forgive them in advance for things they are yet to do to you...you set them free, and that dear peeps is a gift. Forgiveness does not mean you have to condone their behaviour. If their trespasses against you were severe it does not mean you have to pretend like it never happened or that everything is now magically perfect or resolved. It simply means you let go...you let go of your unrealistic expectations, you let go of the negativity the situation awoke in you, and you reassess the situation.

To be kind you also have to forgive yourself. The people who provoke the most emotion in us, are often the people who remind us of something about ourselves we don't really like, or secretly fear, and we tend to react to them, we want to get rid of them because we don't always want to be faced with ourselves. But if you are kind to yourself, you embrace your flaws, you learn to love what you are, you are patient with yourself and you forgive yourself for everything that you are, and especially that which you are not, the kindness will trickle down from you to others. People will start to reflect this kindness back to you...and we all can live happily ever after.

Set someone free today...forgive.

Only 3 days to go...Whooohooo.

Monday, May 23, 2016

DAY 36: Surrender


There are only 5 days left of this story, only 5 days. I can feel a change inside me, it is a low hum, a whisper, but something is changing. I feel like I am in a state of soul-shock, like all my darkness, all my past regrets, all of me is rushing to the surface to be dealt with, to be faced...it may not last forever...tomorrow I may feel different, but today I feel like I am being moulded by my own tears, like I am preparing myself to rewrite my story.

I don't want to look to others to define me anymore, because I have been guilty of this my whole life. "Am I worthy? Am I Good enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough?" Frankly it is exhausting and I am tired, because if you base your identity on the opinion of others you will never be good enough, there will always be someone new to please, someone new to impress, and it leaves you empty. It is a race you cannot win.

I look for patterns. It is something that I have always done. Patterns in human behaviour, patterns in success, patterns in relationships. I look for links on how everything is connected, mostly to find shortcuts and loopholes but also to make sense of the world. My brain is constantly busy trying to connect the dots, and it does this because I am a control freak...yes If I can figure out the order of things I can control it...or that is what I would like to believe. The stirring inside tells me that the very things I try to control, are the things I have no control over. This causes me great anxiety, because there has to be an explanation for things, there has to be a formula, there has to be some way to master everything. "Will you like me if I am beautiful? Will you like me if I am fit? Will you like me if I am rich? Will you like me if I win everything?" Trust me, I have learned this the hard way...there are no patterns to the important things in life. Love comes and goes as it pleases, it is trickster that has no regard for logic, and you cannot tame it, or own it by following a set of rules. It does what it likes and we are at its mercy. Health can be on your side one day, and abandon you the next even if you did everything it asked you to. Life is not a daily guarantee, it is fragile and can disappear in a blink of an eye. We only think we have control.

I don't care if you like me anymore...it will take me a lifetime to please everyone, and that just seems like a lifetime wasted.  I don't want to control everything anymore it is futile. I am going to surrender to my own rhythm. I am just going to flow and see where I end up.
I forgive myself and I am letting go.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

DAY 35: Cause and effect



For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction -Newton's 3rd law of motion.
 
 
We bounce off each other, we bump into each other, we change each others trajectories, no one is getting out of here untouched. Everything we do or say has consequences whether we want to admit it or not, so you should at least try to be kind as often as you can.
 
There is something that has always fascinated me when it comes to human behaviour, and that is how we often struggle to communicate, how we don't always get our points across and how easily conflict can raise its quarrelsome head. Throw emotion in the mix and you are looking for trouble. We become aggressive when we feel misunderstood, but we are not always willing to understand. We want to be heard but we are not always willing to listen. Instead of trying to find the person behind the words, we look for ourselves in them and then instead of calmly responding we react. I think the most important part of any conversation is to listen, remove yourself completely, pretend like you are not really there and the person speaking is a mystery waiting to be solved, and all the clues will be coming out of their mouths, so you better pay attention. The more you open your mouth, the more you might miss something. Shhhh! Listen, just really try and listen, try to hear what is being said and not what you think you are hearing. You may be pleasantly surprised at the stories people are hiding.
 
Our words are more powerful than we think. It can cause wars, and it can end it. It can celebrate love and it can be the tool of hate. It can heal, but it can also destroy. Off all the things that is in our control our words have the most power, so please be careful what you say to others. We may try our best to act tough but we are all quite fragile, we bruise easily, and sometimes because we are so bruised we don't want to listen anymore because we think it is our turn to be heard and before you know it you have reached the point of no return, a complete and utter breakdown of communication, the graveyard of understanding.
 
So what happens when an unstoppable force and an immovable object meet? The only way to get to a conclusion is if one was to compromise, but that by default would go against its very nature. Their unity would reduce one, or the other to less than it was before.  What made them great in the first place was the fact that one was an unstoppable force and the other an immovable object and the only answer to this conundrum, is that perhaps they shouldn't meet.
 
Everything we do or say has an influence...never forget that.