DAY 10: Discouraged

Today I feel a little bit discouraged, and I can’t help to wonder what the point is of all of this. I have such a craving for cake, and I rarely have cravings for cake...I want cake...baked cheesecake to be exact.  Every place I go I imagine myself smoking there, here are the thoughts that go through my mind: “Man this really is a great place to smoke.” It has become clear that I really do have a strange relationship with cigarettes. I don’t get the physical cravings for it anymore, but now I just get the emotional cravings, and I have figured out why they occur.  To me smoking was a unit of time, and also a force field.  At work I would measure time by cigarette and coffee breaks  to make it through the day, without these little breaks the days seem to drag on forever...I am not particularly fond of this. I don’ t really know why I said it was a force field, that came out of nowhere...well I obviously thought it protected me from something, but I am not sure what...this will take further investigation.

This is normally the place where I would throw in the towel and yell: O who cares! I call it my f@#kit switch. That switch that tells you it was silly to start all of this in the first place. But this is where this blog comes in, and believe me it is so tough to force myself to write every day. Some days my head is just blank and I don’t think I have anything of value to add, but I committed to this journey very publicly and now I have to see it through...This journey is actually about sacrifice to gain clarity of thought, I must not lose track of that...It is very easy to lose track of that, a part of me feels I am so wishy washy and that I have completely overshared, and another part of me wants to drink a bottle of red wine and drunk dial someone...wine sure is great.

To get myself a little motivated again, I will try to focus on the positive changes I can already witness...there is only a few, but I will try to be super-excited about it. Ok my skin seems to be a lot more glowy, that is very positive. My diet is healthier. When you cut out all sugars, I have also included refined carbohydrates, you have to plan your meals, and when at what you are going to eat very carefully. You can’t get stuck somewhere without your allowed foods, because then you will go hungry.  I think I may have lost a little bit of weight, but I don’t weigh myself so I can’t be sure. I breathe easier, and I generally feel healthier, but I am still just a woman, and today I am a whiney woman by the looks of it because in all honesty nothing much has really changed.

Still I have now made it a quarter of way...and even if I am a little discouraged I am kinda proud of that. Three quarters to go, and I will definitely complete this mission, but I do hope it will get easier.

Tomorrow I will write about a chicken I hated once. Yes you read that correctly.