DAY 3: Confessions

Today was not a good day. It was one of those days where you experience every emotion almost at the same time. I suffered from melancholy, had a run in with nostalgia, and generally wondered about every decision I have ever made. I really am at a cross-road in my life, and there are some very important decisions to be made, big, scary decisions that almost seem life threatening, but not today...Today I know my emotions are controlled by withdrawals, so even deciding what to wear was a bit of an effort.

There is a part of me that wants to be all child-like about it, and throw all my toys out of the cot while screaming: "Why is life so hard?" For those of you who have never experienced this, consider yourself truly lucky. Actually I have no idea if it is normal to feel that life sometimes gets too much, because truthfully I have always had a tendency to go a little dark...and I have the bad poetry to prove it.

I am off course also seriously reconsidering my sanity...why would anyone in their right minds give up everything that they enjoy all at once...like a lunatic?

And now it is time for Edith's Poetry corner: I apologise for what I am about to unleash but all this talk about my dark-side has forced me to go look for some of the o so dark poetry I have written when I was a teenager...yes I kept it...all of it. This was the first thing I could find and believe me there is plenty more where that came from. If any of you still have some of your teenage poetry hanging around, please share it with the rest of us so we can appreciate how far we have come...this shit is hilarious...I was obviously tortured.

I was forced to swallow a bitter pill

    and it went down with no water,

        at first it choked me

           its venom was bitter but it did not kill.

A dreamer is a King only when he is asleep,

     being awake a curse,

        trying to adapt to a world where two realities just don't meet.

There is an eternity between an Us

      and a lifetime of me.

       I don't know where to look for you,

         given up on a you finding me.

And what if I find you...

             ....then what do I do?

I was 17 when I wrote this, and o my goodness was I a troubled kid.

I think my natural tendency towards melancholy was kept at bay by my desire to achieve things...so I was a sad kid, but I always wanted to do something epic. And now, I think this may be one of life's full-circle moments, I have to kick melancholy in the pants, because yes, I can feel it creeping up once more. So before the 40 days is done I have to come up with my next great goal in life. Something to focus all of my energy on, something truly amazing...but I have absolutely no idea what it is yet so give me some time.

This poem has really cheered me up. I have always been intense, I cannot deny it, and frankly in a weird way I am kind of proud of it...So I have a lot of feelings, So What?

But what am I talking about in this poem? I am all over the place...emotions everywhere, and then that ending...o that ending...to summarise the poem "I am feeling very sorry for myself and I want to fall in love...but then what?"

It is a little tragic and a little funny, and that I believe is the perfect way to describe Life.

Whatever it was that I was going through at that stage in my life, I survived it, and I lived to share the slightly angst driven poetry. I also remember that every moment of sadness was followed by a moment of laughter, and there has been a lot of laughter. So if you ever feel sad know that laughter is inevitable, and let this little teenage poem be a reminder, that things come and go...and then they might return again, because if there is no set destination, you are bound to revisit some places.

Maybe it is time for me to really decide where I am going...but not today.