DAY 21: The Honest Liars

 

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” 
― Carlos Castaneda

Playing around on the internet really is like going down the Rabbit hole in Alice in wonderland. You start off looking for sugar free chocolate mousse recipes and end up on Ted Talks watching videos about self-deception.
This is a theme very close to my heart - self deception I mean, not our use of the internet. I fear self-deception and I know I am guilty of it, but my awareness of it has caused me to never really trust myself and this is a terrible state to be in. Not only do I struggle to trust others I also don't have that much confidence in my own thoughts. This often leaves me in a state of limbo, hoping that others will decide the outcome of events for me, because most of the time I have no idea what the right thing to do is, and I am terrified I will make the wrong decision. There are so many taught behaviours, so many things that you are supposed to be, supposed to feel, supposed to do, that I think I have silenced my true desires. We all have different ways of lying to ourselves, and I think I have lied to myself so much, about so many things to prevent the hurt that the truth hides that I have lost my true identity.

Here is the link to the video if you are interested. It is worth the watch The Honest Liars- Self Deception

We don't intentionally lie to ourselves. It is just another misguided form of self-preservation that can actually end up causing more harm than good. It creates a maze of deception and we refuse to acknowledge that we are trapped. Self-deception keeps us stuck, it stunts our growth and it leaves us a little empty. To be free from our emotional bondages we need to decipher and name the lies we tell ourselves, but this is no easy task. Add to that our natural tendency for denial, and you realise just how tough it is to overcome. Even if the truth slaps us in the face, we can find a way to dismiss it and pretend like it never happened. We believe what we want to believe.

The last couple of months I have heard so much about the ego, and how you are supposed to overcome it. I don't really know why, but it is everywhere. I never realised just how big a problem this 3 letter word can be, and how much I am controlled by it. I honestly had no idea, I thought it was a male problem, but no, no it is not. Turns out the ego is that part of you that measures itself against the outside world, and therefore it needs validation from others to feel all special and loved. It seeks acceptance, recognition and praise, it is basically that part that convinces you, you are the worlds most special little snowflake. The ego is also the part that likes to lie to you. It doesn't want you to be hurt, it doesn't want you to be uncomfortable and it definitely does not want you to believe that you are capable of making mistakes. Terrible thing really. It wants to keep you in one place, because it is not as scary as the unknown.

There is also something called a narcissistic wound, and I mention this because this is a perfect wound to ignite your ego into a frenzy of misguided self-preservation. A narcissistic wound is created in childhood, because  some-one made you feel like you had to perform to be worthy of affection, and then you start to believe that you have to be damn near perfect in order to be loved. How screwed up is that. It is exhausting and impossible to keep up, and it makes you a push over and a floor mat, because no matter what someone does to you, you allow it, because hey you are not perfect, so how can anyone love you. I sometimes think it is a wonder that any of us made it past puberty.

There are so many ways to lie to yourself, so many ways to hide. Identify your lies, defeat your ego and find yourself, and you know what you don't have to be perfect, because no one is, especially not the people who made you feel like you had to be perfect in the first place.

Identify your self-lies and defeat your ego.

DAY 20; The half way mark.

I have reached the halfway mark. Whoohooo!!! It has been an interesting 20 days. The greatest reward so far is that my mood and my emotions have definitely stabilised. I still get sad off course but it no longer has that fatalistic feel to it. Is it possible that removing stimulants can really have such an affect on the body? or is it all in my mind? Whatever the truth may be, if you are someone that also struggles with too many emotions I highly recommend that you give it a go, the first week is the worst after that it gets better.
In honour of the halfway mark I have decided to dedicate this post to famous people from history who have also made it to the halfway mark.

Sir Edmond Hilary - At some point good old Edmond must have reached the halfway mark. I personally have no desire to EVER climb a mountain, bungee jump or run the Comrades, but Mr Hilary did...to climb a mountain that is, but I am sure he would have bungee jumped if he had the opportunity. There must have been a moment when he had one of those "What am a doing?" conversations with himself: "Climb a mountain they said. Do it because it is there they said. Edmond you fool....my toes are f*@cking cold." Mr Hilary pushed past the half waymark, and we know how it all worked out for him, he made it to the top. Congratulations Sir Edmond.

Albert Einstein - Einstein was awesome, a very smart man that said and claimed many cool things, but he is most famous for his theory of relativity. There was a point when he reached E=m and he knew that there was more to the story, there had to be because that little equation I gave you in an attempt at humour is completely incorrect. I took the halfway point to its literal extreme E=m is half of E=mc sqauered...get it...o nevermind I will show myself the door... I wrote the word squared because I don't know how to make its symbol on my keyboard. I am not a shortcut genius. Kind of ruins an already lame joke....o Ok let's move on

Amelia Earhart - She made it across the Atlantic,  and this gave her confidence to try and circumnavigate the globe. She hit the halfway mark, and then probably something else
because she was never seen again. Dark? I know.

Reaching halfway of your journey is only half an achievement. It could go anywhere from here. This is simply the point where you need to reflect on where you came from, figure out what needs to be changed and then go ahead on your quest. I know what I am doing is not really all that dramatic, I am just cutting out stimulants, and writing stuff every day in the hope of gaining some light version of enlightenment or become a little healthier...whatever happens first. It is not like I am climbing a real mountain...I told you I wont do that...but let's say I am halfway up my mental mountain and I intend to reach the top.

20 down 20 to go.

DAY 19: Just breathe...

It was apparently Einstein who first said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. For the outcome to change so does the variables involved in said outcome, and in my case the variable is me.

I have a habit of forcing things, a desire to control the outcome, to bend it to my will. I am struggling to learn the lesson that something's, and I have figured out it is mostly the important things, take time. It has its own rhythm, a beat that I need to respect, I need to breathe, hope, let go of my desire to control and see what happens...it drives me mad, because I seem to have lost my faith in hope.

Of all the monsters that were released from Pandora's Box, I think  hope was the worst. Hope is passive you have no control over it and it quietly, slowly destroys you. You just have to sit back and hope it doesn't ruin you...and again it has the upper hand.  I am too sceptical to fully claim that faith is my strong point, I am too analytical to fully trust my emotions and my gut. I question everything even my mind that tells me to question everything. I want the truth to be the truth because it is true, not simply because I want it to be. My mind is like a computer that only respects evidence, my heart is too romantic for its own good, it is hopes perpetual victim, and my soul seems to be one hell of a rebel. I am dualistic by nature, I am pulled in all directions, I am torn by all the parts of me and it leaves me lost. I want to believe things will work out the way they are meant to be, but I don't know if I believe if there is a way that things should be or if we are the architects of everything...I just don't know.

If I let things go, wont I just lose it? I am terrified it wont return...I realise I have just uncovered something about myself. Most of my insecurities are born out of fear. Fear is a destructive force, it makes us want to posses things because we can't stand the idea of losing it. Maybe love is the act of releasing something, maybe love is working on yourself and realising you don't need anyone or anything to be complete, because you already are, we just forgot.

There is a season for everything...I need to respect that. It seems my life is forcing me to surrender what little control I think I have, and I am forced to relinquish my power over the things/people I care about most in this world, all at once, at the same time. This cannot be a coincidence, maybe my subconscious is orchestrating it, but it sure is orchestrating it in such a manner to make it seem that there is indeed meaning to life and that the only thing left for me to do is ultimately to hope that things will work out like they should.

Sometimes we need to take a short break in order to heal, so that everyone involved can heal. It sucks and I hate every minute, but it is the only way I can finally learn something very important once and for all. I believe most of us have a core wound, the well from which all our sadness originates. In my case it is a sense of feeling unworthy...I am not alone in this, I think a lot of people struggle with the same issue. This wound is what causes such turmoil in my life. I can't let things go because I don't believe I am worthy of its return...I need to stop this way of thinking.

I have done everything that was in my power to do, and it seems the time has come for me to hope, heal, wait and see. I am scared, deathly scared, but I am going to embrace all of it. I hope that the things that are meant to be will be, and I hope those who are destined to be on this journey with me will do so, I hope that there is indeed a destiny, and I hope that the things that need to return will in time, and it will be stronger and better than before, forever changed, moulded and blessed by the sacrifice of separation, and if not I hope that I will be strong enough to rebuild myself, to take the fragments of my life and turn it into a beautiful mosaic.

It is time for this production to take a break. The season has ended, but hopefully it will return soon and it will be epic, hopefully it will be glorious and so much better than the first season. Hopefully it won't get cancelled, but only time will tell.

O well what ever happens at least I am not doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for different results.

Good luck to us all

DAY 18: 10 Things I have learned so far

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• It is really tough to think of something to write everyday. I don't want to treat this like some kind of diary where I just blabber on about how my days are, because truthfully not that much happens. That is the thing with life isn't? It consists of a few interesting moments, and what is left is mostly admin. I am not particularly fascinated by the more adminny parts of my day so I am definitely not going to bore you with it. I will bore you with something else. 
• Today I have decided to create a list...everyone loves lists, don't they? I call my list "10 things I have learned so far"...and it conveniently lists the things I have learned so far...from life in general, not just the last couple of days. Maybe you will relate, maybe you will think I am an idiot, either way, it is nicely numbered for your enjoyment. I will revise this list in a few years time, perhaps then I will think I was nothing but a dumbass with a laptop and some time, or maybe I will think I was pretty smart for my age, whatever the case may be here we go...
• 10 Things I have learned so far.
• 1. Try not to be an asshole. This is very important, and it may sound simple, but it seems a lot of people are struggling with this one. So how do you stop being one? The best place to start is to stop thinking that you are the center of the universe, and that the rest of the world somehow owes you something. It doesn't. You are just as special as everyone else. 
• 2. Increasing the volume of your speech does not automatically increase the validity of your argument. Number 2 is closely linked with number 1 (My immature side is giggling at that sentence.)  I have seen this so many times and it always annoys me, talking over some-one, or screaming your words at some-one is not how you bring your point across effectively, and you win nothing. You are just being what number 1 told you not to be. 
• 3. Listening is more important than talking. Everyone wants to be heard, and if you really want to make friends you don't have to learn how to be an eloquent speaker, but rather an effective listener. That is how you really connect with people, by making them feel, even if it is only for a moment, like they are understood. 
• 4. Animals are amazing and hanging out with them can make you very happy. That is all I have to say on that matter. Animals Rule!
• 5. Friends are very important don't allow them to just fade away. Friends are more than just people you drink with, they are the humans that actually care about your existence, they are those people who will try to make your stay on this planet a little more pleasant. Appreciate them, show them you care, tell them you love them. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. 
• 6. Laugh at yourself. Laughter is the coloured pencils to our grown-up colouring books, without it things are sort of dull. Situations are rarely as serious as you think they are, and most things, even the things that scare you can have a hint of humour to it, you just have to learn how to look for it. The best people I know don't take themselves to seriously, the worst people I know do.
• 7. If you really want something you are going to have to work for it, and even if you do it is still not a guarantee that you are going to achieve it. The key is to never give up. You will achieve what you need to achieve when you are ready to achieve it. Don't become bitter, don't blame anyone else for your failures, and I can't emphasize this enough...the world does not owe you anything.
• 8. Do not judge others...ever. You are not perfect, and your way of doing things and thinking is not the only way of doing things or thinking. What you consider normal other may consider weird or worse boring, so do not be too quick to label others. There are more to people than what you think you see. 
• 9. Educate yourself...at least up to a point where you realise that is better to be quiet rather than shouting half-baked facts out loud. The more you learn, the more you realise how little you know and this will keep you humble. Know that when you read something on the Internet, be it facebook, youtube or any other platform of your choice it does not automatically make it true. Be skeptical when it comes to information, this will protect you. Read a book every once in a while, it wont kill you. 
• 10. Happiness is not a destination. Being happy is a choice, and it is a choice you have to make every day. You have to guard against negative moments and thoughts and focus on the things that you can be grateful for. Happiness is not a weight you need to reach, a large number in your bank account or success. Although these things are all wonderful they cannot make you happy on their own. You have to find happiness in every moment, and not simply hope that it lies hidden in the future. If you figure out how to do this, please let me know how.
Ok so the list is done. I hope it was alright. These are not the only things I have learned so far, but I think 10 is a nice round number, and I never mess with nice round numbers.

Well that is all...See you tomorrow.

DAY17: The Villains

 

 

"Magic Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?" - The Evil Queen, Snow White

 

 
I have always been a fan of Disney Villains. They all have  a sense of humour, they have mastered the art of sarcasm and insults, and they always have comical side-kicks. I gladly cheer the hero on like a good girl is supposed to do, but I secretly root for the villain to also have a happy ending.

It is the villains who are the creators of the story, let's face it without them there wouldn't be one...without them we would just be just watching beautifully drawn characters waiting around for something to happen. The Villains are the ones who need to be defeated, they are the ones coming up with malicious plans, they want to take over worlds or bring destruction because they have a desire for personal gain or revenge, sometimes both. The Hero is more often than not a mere reaction to the villain, he has to take up the sword in order to restore the equilibrium that has been disturbed due to the villains existence. For a hero to be born, first a villain has to rise, the two are eternally linked, one defines the other.

 

Part of the appeal of villains is that they don't seem as naïve as heroes often do, they seem more street smart and like they have somehow lived more than their counterparts, they are more disillusioned with the world and what it has to offer, than the bright-eyed heroes who still believe that they can change things. Heroes are driven by faith, villains seems to have lost all hope, and want to control the outcome of their fate, by taking charge, by changing things, by chasing their desires no matter what the cost. Hope is replaced by a sense of humour, though it is often a jaded one. They have removed themselves from society, because society was probably what drove them to be villains in the first place. They laugh at life and the pursuits that others consider noble. They are often quite wise, but it is a bitter wisdom, the kind that reminds us that life is not all sunshine and roses, and that the choices we make in life will determine what we will become. Villains are the proof of the consequence of choice.

 

Ariel: If I become human. I'll never be with my father or sisters again.

Ursula: That's right. But you'll have your man. Life's full of tough choices, isn't it?

 

Villains are dualistic in nature, they lure us is in with their charm and their humour, only to violently repel us with their cruel and selfish nature. The core of the villain may consist of a wounded heart, a misunderstood story and a misguided soul, but if you get to close you will get burned...They are the villains after all, and they were not created over night, it took years to shape them, and if you cross them they will try to get rid of you, but hopefully in a slightly comical way.

Zeus: So Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld?
Hades: Well they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy. And, as always, hey full of dead people. What are you gonna do?

Hades: He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I am mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay?

Zeus: You ought to slow down. You'll work yourself to death. Hah! Work yourself to death! (All Laugh)...Oh, I kill myself!
Hades:(to himself) If only. If only.

 

 

 

 Celebrate the Villains in your life, they give you reason to be the Hero.

 

 

DAY 16: To Wong Foo, Thanks for everything Julie Newmar

 

One of the hardest things to do is to admit when you are wrong. I am talking about those times when you have made a bad decision, when you bet on the wrong horse, when you invested too much of your time and energy on some-one or something that was never meant for you...when you lose yourself in the pursuit of an illusion. You probably realised early on that you have made a mistake, but you stubbornly stuck to your guns, simply because you didn't want to be proved wrong, because your ego couldn't handle the embarrassment, and you spiral out of control while you cling to the self created lies you are trying to defend. Then the time comes when you have to stop, reflect and forgive yourself, accept that you are human, that you are going to screw up sometimes, that your heart is going to get broken, and in return you will break a few hearts, realise that not all you dreams are meant to come true, forgive yourself some more, and then you let it all go.

Vida Boheme: Oh! No one say anything frivolous for the next few moments. I am having a significant experience. 
Vida Boheme: Look, Miss Julie Newmar has been watching silently over this entire conversation. And look at her, vintage Miss Julie. She is the perfect, the ultimate... oh! Try to describe her and not use the word "statuesque". Oh, Miss Julie, you are statuesque and you were the only Catwoman. Oh, read it please. 
Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez: "To Wong Foo, Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar." Who was Wong Foo? 
Vida Boheme: I don't know but evidently they were close. 
Vida Boheme: We must take this message from Miss Newmar with us across the land as our sovereign token. 

The late Patrick Swayze was Miss Vida Boheme, a larger than life drag queen in the Movie "To Wong Foo, Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar." It is a movie about accepting who you are, and how important it is to let go of your past to fully embrace your future.

The title of the movie was derived from a signed poster of Miss Julie Newmar, but in my world it has taken on a meaning of its own. To me the words seem like a greeting, a way of saying Goodbye, a way of letting go. Thanks for everything it has been swell, now goodbye.
People will come and go in our lives, some will exit dramatically some will simply fade. Some will adore us, some will confuse us and some will unknowingly teach us things we didn't know about ourselves, and in the end we will have to let them all go, we can never own another, and we should be careful not to try and possess. Possession is the opposite of love, and we should love enough to be willing to let go if someone doesn't choose us. You can never force someone to choose you, you will be wasting your time and your energy and you will be betting on the wrong horse. Be brave enough to wipe away your tears and tell them "To Wong Foo, Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar"

Noxeema Jackson: [to Chi-Chi] Step four: Larger than life is just the right size.

Noxeema is also a character in the movie - a drag-queen played by Wesley Snipes. I just had to add this quote because I couldn't agree more.

In the spirit of letting go. I am also going to reference the movie "Moonlight and Valentino"  In this movie a young widow is struggling to come to terms with the death of her husband. I know this sounds kind of morbid, but what makes the story so endearing is the relationship between all the female characters and how they support each other, and how all of them had something they were clinging to that prevented them from progress. At the end of the movie the four female characters go to the grave of the widows mother to perform a releasing ceremony.


Rebecca: "And I guess what I have to say is really simple. Ben, with all of my heart and with everything that I am, my love...goodbye."....and then in true Hollywood style right on queue it started to rain...to wash away the old and give birth to the new.


The words are indeed simple, because sometimes letting go is simple, sometimes it is just saying goodbye. Saying goodbye to people who make you doubt yourself, or simply saying goodbye to those parts of yourself that no longer serve you, those parts of yourself that you have defended for long enough, but if you are honest those parts simply aren't you anymore.  

May you all have glorious moments of letting go, and wondrous new beginnings.


"To Wong Foo, Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar"

Day 15: Find your Happy Place.

A wise old man once told me that in order for me to thrive I need to find my happy place...Ok maybe he wasn't that old and I am not really sure if he is always that wise, but he did have a point. At first I was a little shocked that I was so transparent, was it that obvious that my life was out of balance? Did I do such a crappy job of hiding the fact that I am...well...not all that happy all the time?
His words left me with a burning question; how exactly does one find ones happy place? I am not talking about the Happy Gilmore-little tricycle riding cowboy-girl in suspenders-Happy Place, I am referring to that place, space or state of mind where you are generally at peace. How do you get there?

There are so many opinions, schools of thought, and dogmas that claim to have the answer to being saved, being whole, being enlightened that is easy to get lost somewhere in between. Meditate, pray, exercise, forgive, forget, let go, be thankful, serve...all valuable advice...all kind of hard to practice everyday. No matter what you do, you can't get away from yourself "wherever you go, there you are" So in a painful attempt at self exploration I am going to address something that causes me  a lot of inner turmoil, I call it the Island Hypothesis! Perhaps identifying and dealing with this will get me closer to equilibrium, but I want to add that I am not entirely convinced that humans are supposed to be all tranquil every minute of their existence...I think we get creative when we suffer a little, it helps to stimulate empathy for others, and I believe it builds character. That being said there is no harm in getting rid of things that don't serve you if it is in your power to do so.

I am not an island...not even close. I need people around me, I need their energy and I need their acceptance. This is my prison. To be free you must not give a damn about what others think off you, and I do not know how to master this, because I like people, I like most people and if I like you I do give a damn about what you think...It amazes me how some people can take pride in being pricks really. They believe it is a sign of strength to ignore people who have somehow wronged them, I don't think it is a sign of strength at all, I think it is a sign of being a coward. If you feel wronged by some-one or you have somehow wronged some-one else, you better fix it or resolve it as best you can, as soon as you can, because honestly we don't know how much time we have left, why do we forget that so easily?
Now you can probably imagine how much trouble this little opinion of mine gets me into. I want to resolve things immediately, right there on the spot and others are not always ready for this and then I end up making things worse. They don't realise my internal dialogue is pretty much saying: "We need to fix this immediately, we might die and I don't want my soul tainted with this shit...don't you know unfinished business is how ghosts get made....have you never watched the Ghost Whisperer?" Ok I don't really believe in ghosts but I was in the mood to over exaggerate somewhat. I am painfully aware of my own mortality and I am also painfully aware of the mortality of others, even if I make it, you might not...lets fix things.  It is this awareness that drives me, I think this keeps me humble in a way but it also makes me come across quite desperate sometimes, because I always have this urgency about me like time is running out.  So does my happy place include people or am I better off without them? They make me happy and sad in equal measure and I do not know how to be an island...my happy place is not an island, at least I have figured out this much.

So wise old man finding my happy place seems to be a lot trickier than I imagined, but maybe this journey, and process will help me find it, or at least get me a little closer.  I sure hope so...I will keep you posted.

I definitely have to stop thinking everyone is going to die all the time...no wonder I am so anxious. I need to learn how to relax...well at least this post taught me something...Now if I can only figure out how to relax...